Not only can dirty fighting be a casual interest, a pleasant pastime and a creative outlet, it can also become a way of life. Besides adding hours of excitement and entertainment to an otherwise miserable existence, dirty fighting can give you what people want most but are often least able to get: your own way.

While fighting dirty is practiced as a matter of course in homes and offices, at school and play, it is often thought that people's abilities to engage in underhanded warfare is natural and no real endeavor. However, all people do not come to the arena of human interaction equally equipped to do battle. To the contrary, many people find themselves unnecessarily crippled by moral, ethical and temperamental biases that inhibit self-expression and leave them to face the world at a profound disadvantage. To make matters worse, our educational system has largely ignored this important area. It is for these reasons, in an effort to make up for these unfortunate deficits, that this modest work has been created.

Some General Considerations 

A. The Importance of Good Timing : Many potentially lethal dirty fighters miss golden opportunities because they are unaware of the value of proper timing. Begin an argument just before your spouse leaves for work. Strike out at your spouse at bedtime after a tiring day-especially if your spouse has to get up early the next morning. Pester your children with household chores or homework just as they sit down to watch their favorite TV program or before they go out to play. In general, keep in mind that it is best to attack others when their guard is down, when they least expect it or when they are least able to defend themselves.

B. Developing the Proper Attitude : There are a number of circumstances that automatically qualify you as being right and/ or justified. The following are a few lead-ins that can be used to get you started on the right track.

(1) Parent: "I'm your father (mother), and I know what's best for you."
(2) Family wage-earner: "I'm working to pay for it, so the discussion is over."
(3) Person in authority: "That's the way things are. If you don't like it, that's just too bad. As long as , you're here, you'll do what I tell you to do."
(4) Friend: "1 wouldn't think of bothering you unless I really needed your help. I'll be really hurt if you ~ refuse."
(5) Loved one: "1 shouldn't have to ask you to do things for me. You should know how I feel without my having to tell you."

C. Developing a Winning Style: Many people win arguments, not because they are right, but because they have a style of arguing that is unbeatable. Choose the style that best suits your personality:

(1) Monopolize the conversation. Don't let anyone get a word in edgewise. If the other people try to speak, either ignore them completely or accuse them of cutting you off before you are finished.

(2) Meander. Make short stories long, make mountains out of molehills, talk about things irrelevant to ~ the issue. Do not, under any circumstances, come to the point.

(3) Don't listen. While the other person is talking, use the time productively to think of how you are going to answer back. When it is your turn, ignore any and all concerns that may have been mentioned '; and go right on to the point you would like to make.

(4) Be a problem solver. This style is useful when the main concern is the other person's feelings. The , approach here is to ignore the feelings and simply hand down decisions, solutions or suggestions. Once you have offered a solution, that is all that need be said; the issue is closed.

D. Power Plays : Power plays are often used to win arguments. Sometimes the players establish a pattern where one person seemingly has all the power. (This is an illusion, but it serves the function of letting the more powerful person feel superior and the less powerful person feel martyred or wronged.) In reality, the power is distributed well. Merely the tactics used to fight are different. Here are some tactics used by one- up players and one-down players.

(1) One-up: Play to win. Start small and increase the power. Threaten, coerce and finally beat your opponent into submission. Starting power plays includes (a) "I've arranged everything the way I want it," followed by, if your opponent objects to your arrangement, (b) "If you can't prove it, you can't do it."

Middle games power plays include (c) sulking and making 'em guilty. End game maneuvers involve physical might, either passively, (d) "I ain't budging," or offensively, (e) "Shut up or I'll shut you up."

(2) One-down: Don't try to win. Just make life so miserable for your opponent that he or she will give up. (Hint: You must keep this up for years because a one-up player almost never gives up.) Your one- down measures include: (a) techniques to arouse guilt, such as not saying anything but just crying (or drinking); (b) techniques that hurt (such as, saying "I didn't have an orgasm, you know"); and (c) techniques that waste the other person's time, money or energy (such as saying, "We don't have enough money to pay for this new wardrobe? Honest, honey? You'll have to get a second job? Oh, I am sorry." Smile to self.)

(3) Pitched battle: Both opponents use the full range of tactics-usually one-up tactics, but occasionally one-down. For such battle, a wider range of strategies is necessary. (The following section offers further suggestions.)

Some Specific Techniques: 

A. Collect Injustices : Collect slights, hurts, injustices, inequities. Let your anger build up to the point where you explode over relatively minor issues. Then, when you've had enough, shout, scream, terrorize, even hit. You will be surprised to learn how good it feels to get things off your chest. An added benefit of collecting injustices is that you can then rationalize anything you may later wish to do, like getting a divorce, quit- ting your job or having an affair.

B. Help with a Vengeance : There are countless opportunities to tell people what they should do, how they should feel, what they should think-all in the interest of being helpful. It doesn't matter whether or not they have asked your opinion; go right ahead and give others the benefit of your experience. If they should object to your unsolicited suggestions, point out to them that you are only saying things for their own good and that they should be able to accept constructive criticism.

C. Don't Get Mad, Get Even : Anger expressed openly can be uncomfortable for all concerned, so learn to find other ways to channel your feelings. Get revenge by sulking, having an affair, going on shopping sprees, rejecting the other sexually, etc. In general, it is always a good idea to find ways to undermine the other's confidence or independence; this tends to increase the effectiveness of your anger.

D. When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going : If the other person is saying something you don't like, it is time to get going. Walk out of the room, clam up, refuse to talk about it. With children, send them to their rooms. No need to hang around an unpleasant situation. No matter how much others feel their complaints are justified, no issue is so important that it can't be walked away from. Better yet, refuse to ac- knowledge that the situation even exists.

E. Play Psychiatrist : This is closely related to the previous technique but extends the concept somewhat. Analyze others, point out their shortcomings and hang-ups and, where possible, explain in psychological terms the weaknesses you see in their characters. Example: "You have a mother complex" or "The reason you say that is because you're basically insecure." The real secret in playing psychiatrist, however, involves the skillful use of labels. (For example, egomaniac ordominating witch.) With a little fore- thought, you can find a label for any behavior you don't like: if people are drinking to relax, they are "potential alcoholics"; if they don't want sex they are "frigid" or "impotent. " By the way, if they object to your clinical evaluation, it is undoubtedly because they have "inferiority complexes" or they "can't face the truth."

F. Never Back Down : Backing down can only be seen by the opposition as a sign of weakness. Right or wrong, you have to stand up for yourself. If you don't, who else will? By the way, when was the last time you were wrong about something anyway?

G. Never Accept an Apology : Just because others have said they are sorry, right away they expect you to forget about it Never let others think that they are forgiven. How else will they remember the next time? Learn to hold grudges-for years, if necessary. People's misconduct can be thrown up to them over and over again, giving you a decided edge in future disagreements.

H. Put the Other Person in a Double Bind : Criticize your spouse for gaining a little weight, not keeping up his or her appearance and the like. Then when your spouse dresses up and looks especially good for a party, accuse the person of trying to impress people or flirting. Hound your children about hanging around the house too much. Then, when they are getting ready to go out to play, remind them of some chore they were supposed to do or tell them it's too close to supper. The idea is "damned if you do; damned if you don't" Double binds artfully used can, and do, literally drive people crazy.

I. Devastate with Humor : Keep in mind that the most devastating remarks are often said in jest Therefore tease and humor your opponent Be sarcastic but always smile to show it's all in good fun. If the other person begins to get defensive, you can accuse him or her of being overly sensitive. This is an excellent tactic to use in public because it shows you are a fun-loving person with a sense of humor and the other person is a spoilsport

J. Play One against the Other: When out with your spouse, always take along, wistful look at passing strangers of the opposite sex. Compare the success of others to those of the person you are with. A parent should never miss a chance to hold up the accomplishments of one child to another. A child should like- wise never miss an opportunity to play one parent against the other.

K. Play the Martyr : Go out of your way to sacrifice your pleasure for others, even to the point of letting others take advantage of you. Later, when you want to get your way, preface your remarks with statements like: "How could you do this to me? After all the things I've done for you" or "See how I've suffered be- cause of you?" You will be amazed at the power a little guilt gives you. The possibilities are limitless.

L. The Kitchen Sink Technique : Throw everything into the argument but the kitchen sink. No need to stick to the issue at hand; now is the time to bring up all the other incidents that have been bothering you. Talk about his or her past failings, defects in his or her character, past injustices, unsettled issues from the last argument, etc. Before long, so many irrelevant issues will have been brought up that the other person will begin to feel that winning an argument with you is next to impossible.

M. Ambush- The Art of Getting the Other Person in a Corner : Be on the lookout for situations you can capitalize on later. Go through your spouse's wallet; listen in on the telephone extension; quiz your child- fen's friends to find out what your kids have been up to. You will be amazed to find how much ammunition you can gather for your next fight Once you have become proficient in this tactic, others will think twice about bringing up even the most legitimate grievance.

N. Chinese Water Torture Techniques : This heading is a grab bag for a number of techniques that are meant to exasperate the opposition. Here are a few possibilities; make up your own variations.

(1) Be a chronic forgetter. Never keep a promise; forget to do an errand. Act surprised when the other person gets upset, as if to imply it didn't matter anyway. Forgetting birthdays and anniversaries also adds a nice touch, as does forgetting to call when you are delayed.

(2) Be a procrastinator. Delay carrying out promises or obligations. The more others are depending on you, of course, the better. If there is a complaint, take the tack (a) "What are you getting excited about? I said I would do it, didn't I?" or (b) "You're always nagging me about something; no wonder I never have a chance to get anything done." Being a procrastinator makes you look good because it gives the impression that you have so many important things to do that you don't have a chance to get all the trivial things done as well. (Note: Important means important to you; trivial means important to the other person.)

(3) Promote misunderstanding. Never be clear about your likes and dislikes, plans, times, dates and directions. When people fail to do what is expected of them, use the opportunity to get angry, make them feel guilty or call them stupid.

O. Use Children and Money as Weapons : Here are some potentially devastating tactics often overlooked by inexperienced dirty fighters. The beauty of this method is that you can use either a direct frontal assault or an indirect sniping attack with equal effectiveness. The following remarks, listed by category, have been used successfully by dirty fighters for generations.

(1) Money: "If you would go out and work for a change, you wouldn't be complaining about needing (fill in the blank)." "How do you expect us to get along on the piddling salary you make?"

(2) Children: "What kind of father (mother) are you anyway? What kind of example do you think you're setting?" "If it weren't for your spending so much time with your friends (or doing other unacceptable behavior) Johnny wouldn't be having nightmares (getting poor grades, etc.)."

P. Mind Rape : Never allow the person to be right-even about his or her own thoughts or feelings. For ex- ample, if the other person says, "I'm furious," you should object-very benevolently, of course-saying, "Now, now. You're not reallyfurious, you're just a little frustrated."

Q. Guilt Making : Do something self-destructive and blame it on the other person. Above all, never examine the harmful effects to yourself. For instance, after an argument, say, "I'm going out and get drunk, and it's your fault" Better is the implied threat If you have a history of suicide attempts (drug abuse, depression or psychotic behavior will do just as well), say, "This argument makes me very depressed. I don't think it's ever been this bad."

R. Non-Engagement : When you sense a disagreement coming on, state your position and then announce, "I refuse to discuss it" Then leave the house. It makes others furious, but what can they do? A nice variation is to allow the others to talk, yell, threaten and get red in the (ace, while you merely smile at them (or continue to read the newspaper).

S. Closure Block : When an argument gets well underway, you should unilaterally say, "You're losing control. I don't want to talk about it anymore." This is especially effective immediately following a "Kitchen Sink" maneuver. The effect is nice if you have used the "Kitchen Sink," but it has a flavor of justification if the other person has just "Kitchen Sinked" you.

T. Always and Never : Make absolute statements such as, "You never take me out, " or "You are always so nasty" or "Nobody makes love like that " This is not a good way to win an argument since undoubtedly the other person immediately will come up with one time that refutes your absolute statement, such as "Oh yeah? Well, in 1946 we went out to eat" This tactic is a good way to keep from losing an argument after your opponent has scored heavily because it diverts your opponent from the point-producing argument and directs attention to finding the exception to your absolute statement

U. Threat of Abandonment : This maneuver can be used in many forms, but usually it is the big gun in the arsenal because most times the abandonment threatened is relatively permanent (For example, you can threaten separation, divorce, suicide or going crazy.) This is effective because you don't really expect others to take you up on the threat You think they will give in. Most times this works. Unfortunately, the first time it doesn't work the game could end (through actual divorce, suicide, etc.). And ending the game would be a shame.

V. Concluding Remarks : Study this outline and memorize the points thoroughly. Use the tactics whenever possible. Then practice catching your spouse fighting dirty. Don't give up fighting dirty yourself, but expect your spouse to stop. That way, it will be even easier for you to get your way. ...And that's the important thing!

Adopted from Worthington , E.L., Jr. (1989). Marriage Counseling. Downers Grove IL : Intervarsity. Which was adapted from "Dirty Fighter's Instruction Manual" (supplement to the film The Failing Marriage, Alan Summers, producer), by Transactional Dynamics Institute; Script! People Live,by Claude Steiner: Intimate E_"by George Bach and Peter Wyden; and other sources.