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Dr. Jen and her daughter enjoying a humane elephant park in Thailand It was a trip of a lifetime! My daughter and I went to Thailand together as she was headed there to teach in an international school for a couple of months. We spent a day at a (humane) elephant park feeding the elephants and just enjoying their presence. The elephants LOVE the guests- we bring them yummy food every day! They had lots of good care- medical care, a giant park to freely roam for miles, a river to bathe in as much as they wanted, and so much sugar cane! And no one was riding them and making them do anything they didn't want to do. A good life for an elephant! Brains are like an Elephant and Rider There is a metaphor for our brains called the Elephant and the Rider (credit to Jonathan Haidt). It goes like this: Your brain is like an Elephant and Rider. The biggest part of your brain is an elephant- it is driven by basic needs like food, sleep, safety, security, and attachment. The elephant part of the brain is not logical. Tired and Stressed Elephants are Tough to Handle! Perhaps you notice when you are tired, hungry, alone, and in an insecure situation that you will find yourself acting illogically. You get anxious, when you know you don't need to be anxious really- that won't help. But you are anxious anyway! Or you find yourself withdrawing and isolating in that situation to try and cope with the stress of it. Stressed-out, tired, hungry, insecure elephants are not good! I would not want to even try and feed a stressed-out elephant but just drop the sugar cane on the ground and get WAY out of their way. Research on our Brain: We are More Elephant than we Like to Think It has been remarkable all the research that has investigated the dual-processing model of brain processing- you would be amazed! The basic idea is that we have a "low road" of processing information and making decisions that is fast, intuitive, and driven by our more low-level needs. The "high road" is more deliberate, slow, and complex in the way it thinks. The low road is like an elephant, while the high road is like the rider on the elephant. The low road is primarily governed by the brainstem and amygdala (middle of the brain that processes a lot of emotions), while the high road is governed by the frontal lobe in the top /front of our brain. The elephant-brain drives are really powerful! It is a good idea not to underestimate it, just like the elephants at the park. Even if our elephant brain is happy, and well-cared for, it is a little "wild" and always ready to fight, run, or ruminate with worry, or snap words at someone. Poke the elephant the right way- you will get a very upset elephant!! Five ways to take care of your elephant brain? Self Care. Psychologists and counselors are always talking about self-care! Why do they do that? They know your elephant brain needs to receive signals and signs that you are healthy, safe, secure, and well-cared for, like the elephants in the Thai elephant park. Give yourself considerable grace if you are going through a difficult time: a health problem, grief, traumatic experiences, insecure finances, unsafe home situations, or insecurity in your marriage/ relationship. All of these things are scary to the elephant - and can lead to fight flight, worry, or isolation. It takes good habits of self-care to get us through the hard days. Relationship-bond. In your marriage/ relationship, it is important to have times of warm, encouraging, bonding times together. This can be done through a good date, a nice conversation, helping with a task, or good sex. Perhaps you have heard of love languages? Those give us good ideas of how to maintain a healthy bond. Spiritual growth. Positive spiritual practices like prayer, meditation, meeting with encouraging people who care about you, or worship are great for our elephant brain. All of these activities bring a sense of connection with the divine and with others, and this is especially encouraging to our whole brain. Service to others. Ever notice when you choose to do some altruistic act towards someone else that you feel really great? It's because our animal brain is really excited about altruism! Altruism can be things like forgiving someone, saying encouraging words, or bringing some yummy treat to them. It's important not to overdo it with time in service to others- you can get more tired from this. But a good dose of altruism is great for our elephant brain! Gratitude. One of the best areas of positive psychology research is gratitude research. Gratitude is very positive for the human brain, especially when practiced regularly. Whether you stop once a week to be grateful, or count your blessings before you sleep, or say words of gratitude to people in your life, all of these are ways to bond with others and soothe the elephant brain. The real trick to change is clear from the research on the elephant brain: You need to Make clear decisions on what you want to do to care for your brain. Something like "I will do a weekly gratitude journal on Sunday mornings as part of my spiritual practices" Stop and consider what emotional experience and needs this will meet for you. What does it mean to you? Then consider what will get in your way of this goal? You want to make it possible to do this new activity in a way that is "downhill" and not an uphill climb. If you tend to be up early with time on Sunday mornings, that's a good time to do a new gratitude journaling- downhill work. But don't plan to do a Sunday morning journal if your family is always struggling to get going, kids are not dressed, you rush to get to church, and are distracted all morning- uphill work. Perhaps "downhill" for you then would be Sunday evening when things are quiet and you can set a phone reminder. I hope my experience with the Thai elephants, and the research on the human brain, can equip you for a more effective relationship, and personal practices that reduce anxiety and help you reach the goals for you and your family! This blog was written completely by Dr. Ripley, without AI assistance.

by Nicole Urh, PsyD, Fellow of the Hope Project and Charis Institute We've all been there. The family is together for a summer BBQ, a holiday, or any day and everyone is enjoying dinner, and suddenly, someone at the table asks The Question. Every family has a different Question, but I bet you can think of your family’s. For some, it’s “who did you vote for?” For others, it might be “When are you going to bring a nice man home?” Other Questions come in the form of “So, what major did Emily pick?” “When are you going to make me a grandparent?” or “Have you been putting on weight?” For you, dear reader, it may be none of these questions, but I bet a topic of conversation or a Question popped into your mind as you read through my examples. What is that one topic that makes you feel uncomfortable that always comes up around the holidays? More importantly, what can we do to manage those conversations? The thing I want to talk about today is called an “I” statement. It’s a different way of talking that we don’t normally use, but it can make a world of difference. It can especially change the way that you have difficult or emotionally intense conversations. What is an “I” Statement? An “I” statement is a manner of talking in which you only speak from your own point of view. Some people think of it as the opposite of a “you” statement. The best way to illustrate something like this is to give an example of common “you” statements and ways to transform them into “I” statements. You statement: You always make me feel like dirt. I statement: Right now, I feel like dirt because of the way you’re talking to me. You statement: You never do the dishes. I statement: I would really appreciate some help with the dishes. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one doing the dishes. You statement: You keep asking me about when I’m going to have babies. It’s the worst and you’re being a jerk. I statement: It makes me uncomfortable when you keep bringing up the topic of when I’m going to have babies. Why do “I” Statements Work? An “I” statement is a magic weapon because it helps keep you from adding fuel to the fire of a difficult conversation. If you are having a conversation that always ends in a fight, your conversation partner might be braced for a fight. You may even find that you yourself are braced for a fight. When two people are so prepared to be defensive, it is important to remember this truth: no one likes to be told about themselves. Think about the last time someone accused you of being hurtful, or thoughtless, or cruel or a jerk. I know that when I am in such situations, my automatic response is to think “wait, okay, but you don’t understand where I was coming from. If you just heard my side of things, you would see why I said that. You don’t understand what I am feeling.” This is a very common reaction for others to have. This is why “you” statements add to the fire of a difficult conversation. The conversation was already difficult, and now your conversation partner is trying to explain their side of the story to you. While they are so busy trying to communicate why they did what they did, they might not be able to hear what you are trying to say. Think about the last time you told someone a statement like, “you always do this.” What that sentence is really saying is, “I feel hurt by the fact that you keep bringing this up, and I am worried that you won’t stop.” Your conversation partner might not be able to hear that message though if they are too busy trying to explain why they always do this or remind you of the times where that wasn’t the case. Speaking from your own perspective disarms that trap. It gives your conversation partner space to put down their defenses and hear what you are trying to say. Instead of going on the attack with a “you” statement, an “I” statement requires the speaker to be vulnerable and open about what they are feeling. This allows your partner to avoid the usual pattern of going on the defensive, adding fuel to the fire, and continuing down the usual path of these difficult conversations. What Makes an “I” Statement? An “I” statement speaks only from your own point of view. It never assumes what the other person might be thinking and feeling. Instead, you take a moment of introspection to think about how a difficult conversation is making you feel. If someone is making you feel hurt, try expressing that hurt rather than calling them a name. An additional rule of “I” statements is that you are not allowed to simply add the phrase “I feel” to the front of a “you” statement. This can be very tempting at first. Instead of saying “You always do this,” some people might change it to “I feel like you’re always doing this.” In this situation, you are still telling the other person about themselves. Instead, try changing this statement to something like, “when the family is visiting, sometimes I feel like I’m the one responsible for keeping everyone happy.” Remember not to tell the other person what they are thinking and feeling. By using an “I” statement and speaking only from your own experience and perspective, you do not require your conversation partner to defend themselves. Instead, you are inviting them to see how this difficult conversation is making you feel. Example: Person A: Wow, I haven’t seen you in forever. You must be working hard if you don’t even have time to visit your family. Person B: You don’t know what I do in my daily life. I am working to provide for my family, and you have never understood that. You’re always bringing this up, and I wish you would stop. In this situation, Person B was clearly hurt and offended by what Person A said, and it sounds like the conversation was one that they had had several times before. Person B was hurt, and so they lashed out in defense of themselves. Unfortunately, Person B used several “you” statements in defending themselves. Rather than hearing the hurt that they have caused Person B, Person A is likely to hurt as well. They may be thinking how they want to argue against these accusations or be so hurt that they lash out in response. There is another way to handle this conversation. Person A: Wow, I haven’t seen you in forever. You must be working hard if you don’t even have time to visit your family. Person B: It really makes me feel unwelcome to hear that. I care a lot about providing for my family, and this conversation makes me feel like that work has less value. Now we’re in a completely different conversation! Suddenly, Person A has a lot more insight into why Person B might be defensive. And, because Person B did not try to tell Person A about what they might be thinking and feeling, they can dedicate all their brainpower to hearing what Person B has to say, rather than thinking about ways to defend themselves. A Final Thought Changing the way that you respond to emotional or difficult conversations is a difficult process. And talking with “I” statements can be difficult at first. Please have patience with yourself and keep working on it. The more you work on changing the way that you speak, the more natural and the easier it becomes. Just remember Speak from your own point of view. Do not tell your conversation partner what they might be thinking or feeling. Do not just add “I feel” to the front of a “you” statement. So, the next time a family member tries to open up a full can of worms with you, look at them and say, “Having conversations like this tends to make me angry and frustrated. I want to have a good time with the family today, so I am not going to engage in conversations like this.”

If you are coming to the end of your Hope Focused Couple Counseling with us you might have been introduced to the idea of the Joshua Memorial. This intervention was first introduced by Everett L. Worthington Jr. in the first Hope-Focused Marriage Counseling book (2005). While it refers to an ancient Jewish story, the principles in it apply to any religion or none. What is the Joshua Memorial? In the story of Ancient Israel there is an important point in time described in Joshua 4. Before this time, the Israelites had been released from slavery in Egypt after the 10 plagues, had received the 10 commandments, had been protected and provided for by manna in the desert, had betrayed their God's commands, and had wandered in the desert for 40 years. You may have heard or seen a movie of the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea on dry ground after they were released from slavery. But here at the end of their desert journey they crossed the Jordan River, which is described as God clearing the waters so they walk on dry ground again. This story has great meaning to those in the Abrahamic-based faiths. It's quite a story! At this moment the people of Israel stopped, and reflected on all that had happened to them. All that their God had done for them, and all they had been through together. They selected 12 stones from the riverbed and made a stone memorial. How should we look back and remember the hard times, and the ways in which we have traveled through? This is what the story of Joshua teaches about remembrance and memorial: Joshua 4 When the whole nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the Lord said to Joshua, “Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, from right where the priests are standing, and carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight.” So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” (Joshua 4:1-7; New International Version) There are many teachings, preachings, and writings about this event often called the Gilgal Stones and you can see a video of a tourist group going to see the site here recently. You can google or ask your religious leader for teachings on the subject if you like things like this. Over 3000 years later, people still go to see the place, and talk about them. That's a long memorial! Looking Back: The Desert Times The story of a family is a precious and sacred thing. How you met, fell in love, started a life together, had children or built a generous and kind home is likely what gives you meaning. If you sought couple counseling then that precious and sacred life together has been threatened. You have been through a lot. No, really. Pause for a beat and remember the desert. You have been through a lot. As you get ready for the end of your time of counseling, you can think of it as your forty years in the desert. What has happened that has been really hard for you both? How has your partner/ spouse been courageous and loving and sometimes struggling through that time? How have you endured, experienced pain, been faithful and loved through the time? And what did you learn through it all? If you are a person of faith, how has your God sustained you individually and together through that time? Looking Ahead: The Promised Land We know that there will not always be perfect days ahead. In fact, couples who believe at the end of counseling that they will not face problems again, tend to face more problems than those who believe they will have difficulties but feel equipped to handle them. In the story of Joshua, there were a LOT of problems in their "promised land" including giants (ever heard of David and Goliath?), and wars (their first battle, Jericho was difficult), and divisions among the people. Things weren't perfect in that story, and they won't be perfect for you. But you have been equipped with new tools, ways of thinking, and experiences to face the giants. Joshua's people had their God, and if you are a person of faith you have your God with you too. There will be a difficult day, maybe soon or maybe months from now. You will wonder where all the good things went that you experienced in couple counseling. A memorial is there to be a physical reminder of your couple counseling experience. A stone of remembrance. Ponder what you think your "promised land" will look like for you? What will be your giants/ Goliath's that you still will have to face as the years pass? What battles might arise in your lives? How have you been equipped to face those struggles with the tools you have learned here? Stop and Remember We think the principles of stopping to remember and make a physical memorial of the end of your counseling experience is important. Just like the story of Joshua, it should be something that points you back to the struggle, and overcoming that you have done in your lives before and during your couple counseling. And it should point forward to your future as a couple and family. The Joshua Memorial involves putting some significant thought into creating a physical reminder with symbolic meaning of your lives together right now. Some examples of Joshua Memorials that people have done with us before include: Writing a song about their experience in counseling and singing it in the last session Creating a craft or artwork with words and concepts from their counseling Getting a professional picture made as a couple & hanging on the wall Brewing their own beer and naming it "Hope Beer" with ingredients symbolizing things they learned in counseling Creating a mosaic tile mirror with colors that symbolize things you have learned in counseling Stone art fits the theme- to take stones and write on them words that point to the learning you experienced. Put the stones in a basket in the living room. Getting a new vase and putting it in the corner for flowers to be put into it on special days to remember the couple's love. Finding a nice scrapbook or box and putting in it their homework sheets, Scriptures, writing out ideas from sessions, and information received in counseling. There's no limit to what you can do with a Joshua Memorial. This is to remember and enjoy. It's not to perform and do an "amazing" thing. It's not for one person to do and the other to watch it be done. It doesn't need to be expensive. It should bring you joy to discuss what you have learned, and how you can create a better marriage together. Feel free to take a picture and share your Joshua memorial with us through email. We share them (anonymously, so no faces please) with the Hope team and keep them and find them to be really encouraging. hopecouples@hopecouples.com

Sometimes we here at the Hope office get a call... we need couple therapy, and we need it now. When can get in for an appointment? Or we might hear from a couple who is in therapy leave us a message "We just had a huge blow out. I'm not sure what to do. Can you call me back?" What should you do when your relationship takes a nose dive... a blow out happens... terrible words were said. Couple therapy is not a Quick fix- so what can you do to turn the relationship away from disaster and towards growth? STOP: Safety First The first thing to do when everything has gone wrong is to stop, look around, and see what needs to be bandaged. Triage the relationship. Is there violence or aggression? Step apart, and move away from each other for a time until you both feel that you can be together without the aggression. Is one or both of you intoxicated, under the influence, physically ill, or otherwise not in full control of your faculties? Step apart, and move away from each other for a time until you are in control of your faculties. Were terrible things said or done? Step apart... you get the picture. Since safety is first, and no other good thing can happen until both partners feel safe enough to talk and interact with each other again. Even if you disagree, and YOU don't feel like you need to step apart. Respect that you have different experiences, and it's OKay and healthy to take a time out. LISTEN: Approaching and Listening Many people struggle with anxiety and fears in their relationship. It may come from past relationships, or family of origin, or some rough experiences in the current relationship in the past. The anxieties should be respected, and also improved with listening and approaching. Once basic safety is established, it's important to approach your partner, and ask "Can I listen to your perspective on what happened yesterday?" This shows care, concern, and an other-orientation to the relationship. Ideally both partners approach each other, sit down, and have a distraction-free (no cell phones, no kids, and no screens) listening session. Your partner may say "No. I don't want to talk about it" Then the best thing to say back is "I would like to listen, and talk about my fears too, when you feel ready." Don't try and solve the problem. Don't try and fix it. Don't tell your partner what they should have done or push to get THEM to listen to YOU. That doesn't fix the short-term problem anyway most of the time, and it makes the long term trajectory of the relationship worse. If you have a long-term perspective- for the good of your relationship across the years ahead of you- listen. See if you can get U.N.S.T.U.C.K. There is something that trauma therapists know, that we could all benefit from. How to get UNSTUCK. Even if you haven't experienced the high anxiety involved in trauma, most people have anxieties in their relationship. See if these UNSTUCK principles might help you (From Monson & Fredmon, 2012 book "Cognitive Behavioral Conjoint Therapy for PTSD"). U- United and Curious. As a team, be curious about your anxieties, and experiences in the relationship. Where did they come from? What are they like for you? N- Notice your thoughts. Slow down, clarify what you are thinking, try and make sure you understand it and are clearly communicating your thoughts. Are they jumbled and fast and overwhelming? Or are your thoughts slowing down, and making sense, and telling a story of what you are experiencing? S- (Brain)Storm alternatives. Can you think of alternative ways to address the needs and issues in the relationship? You can come up with things you can do differently, and things your partner could realistically do differently. Come up with small, simple, everyday things that might help with the problem you are facing. T- Test them out. Come up with a plan for how you are going to try out a new way of interacting and addressing your problem. U- Use the most balanced and realistic option/s. Of the alternative ideas and approaches to your problems, which seem most balanced and realistic. Test those ones out. C- Changed feelings and behaviors. Does the process of discussing this, and of trying out the alternative plan, seem to change your feelings about the problems and the way you behave towards each other? Even if it is a "baby step" or small improvement? If it doesn't feel like enough change, what additional changes are you willing to test out and try? K- Keep practicing. It's easy for a couple relationship that is struggling to end up on the back burner of life. Maybe you just want to give up hope. Maybe there are things that really can't change realistically and need to be accepted about each other. Perhaps a couple therapist would help in walking you through the process. Hope is really important As you face really bad awful no-good terrible days in your relationship, remember that relationships are not exempt from difficult things any more than any part of life. Life involves hard things- but also provides opportunity to build resources, habits, and new approaches to living that mature us. I hope that you see the growth in yourself and your relationship, as you wait for your therapist to give you a call back!

If you are getting ready to move, you are probably beginning to sort through your belongings. Some things go in the trash, some go in a giveaway or sell pile, some things get set aside to pack and take with you. If you are facing a different kind of transition in your life and are not physically moving, transitions often cause people to inventory their lives, so to speak. Changes in life can provide you with a unique time to think through what habits, belongings, or routines are helpful to your relationship as a couple and which ones might be harmful. There might also be some good habits or qualities that were useful in the past but are not going to be helpful, possible, or necessary for the current or upcoming season of life. This “two trucks” exercise is a chance for the two of you to think through the “things” you want to take with you in your upcoming transition and the things you want to leave behind. These “things” could be habits (e.g., we do a date night once a month), belongings (e.g., let’s be sure to take our wedding pictures and that comfy love seat!), character qualities (e.g., we are keeping faithfulness at the center of our marriage), or ways of relating (e.g., we want to leave hurtful sarcasm behind). What do we do? Jot down ideas in the blank spaces in the back of each truck. The dump truck represents items, habits, or ways of relating to each other that you want to leave behind. Your transition provides a fresh start to let go of what might have been hurting your marriage! The moving truck represents items, habits, or ways of relating that you want to take with you. What has worked in your relationship that you want to keep up? Do this individually first. Remember there are no wrong answers! Be creative and think as widely as you can. Compare notes and discuss each other’s lists together. Was there anything that surprised you about what your partner put in each truck? Was there anything that surprised you as you brainstormed for yourself? Why did you decide to include what you did (or didn’t)? Combine your “two truck” lists. What things are you agreeing together as a couple to definitely take and to definitely not take with you? What impact will it have on your relationship if you do or don’t take those things along on your transition? Make a plan. Discuss how you will help each other to form those new habits. Think as practically and specifically as possible. Is there anything that might get in the way of taking/leaving the things you decided on? How will you overcome those barriers? What did we learn? This exercise invited you to grow your virtues of wisdom, creativity, hope, discipline, and responsibility. During a period in your life in which most things probably feel uncertain and out of control, you get to imagine and commit to a better future as a couple! Reflect: What did you learn about yourself as you completed this exercise? What did you learn about your partner? What is the main thing you want to remember from completing this exercise that will help your relationship? Below is the pdf for this exercise for you and your partner to print out and try at home! A Tale of Two Trucks

When you say forgiveness, what do you mean? Here's a little self-quiz to check your knowledge of forgiveness. The answers are at the end of this blog. If my partner/spouse apologizes, I must forgive them? True/False Forgiving someone means that I need to trust them again. True/ False Forgiveness is the only way to repair a relationship. True/False I can choose to forgive, even if my emotions are still angry or upset. True/False Science can't really tell us whether it's possible to forgive. True/False John & Barbara are in my office for couple counseling and they are angry. There had been a pretty big offense. John had a secret bank account so he could spend it on things he knew Barbara wouldn't support- spending big bucks on a high-end whiskey trading hobby, and videogame subscriptions. He had been pulling money from his paycheck to put into that account. But then somehow a bank account notice was sent to their house, and Barbara saw it and it all spilled out. She felt betrayed, that he had been unjust to keep funds from her secretly. He felt pretty awful about it too. "I just don't know how to say no to her Dr. Jen. I mean she's so good to me really, and I just never can say no to women. So I kept the secret because I knew she wouldn't want me spending so much on whiskey and gaming. I apologized to her but she just can't get over it" Apologies and Forgiveness are Different Because couples live so closely together, and share so much, it is inevitable that there will be many mild offenses and some moderate or even severe offenses over time. Just being different people with different needs will sometimes cause offense. It can seem like you will be on the same page and see things the same after an offense is over. But that's not always the case. One person should apologize, and the other should forgive. Many people believe that. But apologies aren't the same as forgiveness. They are two separate thing. It can be helpful when there is a clear, sincere, apology where the partner takes responsibility for their part in the offensive situation. So if John apologizes saying something like "I shouldn't have kept funds secretly from you, when I knew we agreed to keep all our funds together. I was dishonest and that was hurtful to you. I am sorry" That can be helpful. But that's not forgiveness. Forgiveness is not the same as Trust Barbara might respond to that apology with continued protest about the injustice of what John did. She might withdraw and get sad about what it means to her. She might make a commitment to work together and try to improve things. She might even try and understand what about John's experience makes it hard for him to say no to women, especially her. None of those things are forgiveness. Most of the time there is a process of 1) admitting the offense did happen and was hurtful, 2) apology, 3) restitution, and then 4) forgiveness followed by 5) trust-building. This isn't always how it goes in a relationship, but it is common for this process to take some time. There is one thing that the science of forgiveness has taught us (see http://www.evworthington-forgiveness.com/research and https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_new_science_of_forgiveness) that forgiveness takes some time and effort on the part of the forgiver. Trust also takes time. Trust requires both a trusting and trustworthy partner on both sides of the equation to reach a renewed trust. This often requires more than just apology and forgiveness, but efforts towards showing oneself to be trustworthy in the area of offense. Forgiveness is a Good way to Repair a Relationship, but Not the Only Way Forgiveness has demonstrated to predict better relationship quality across multiple research studies. If partners are apologizing and forgiving, they also tend to be happier and healthier. But that's not the only path towards repair. Partners can Forgive: Release the need for revenge or harm the other person, and decide to forgive while pursuing emotional forgiveness Seek Justice: Sometimes an injustice in a relationship needs to have some kind of justice, whether through a justice system for something illegal, or through a family decision that metes out family - level justice to the offender. In this case that might be John selling his whiskey collection and putting money into the family coffers. Forbearance: Forbearance is accepting the offense and choosing to move forward. Close relationships do require some level of acceptance that offenses do happen, neither partner is perfect, and some offenses should just be accepted as part of living with a wonderful but imperfect person. Too much forbearance isn't healthy, but all relationships require some forbearance. Offering Restitution: When an injustice gap or offense happens in a relationship, it can be helpful for the offending party to offer up acts of service, loving words, resources, or other restitution to reduce the injustice gap. This isn't forgiveness, but it is good. Decisional and Emotional Forgiveness are Two Different Things Dr. Everett Worthington, Jr., Professor Emeritus from Virginia Commonwealth University has studied emotional and decisional forgiveness for decades. Decision forgiveness is when a person decides to forgive the interpersonal offense, and not seek revenge for it. They may decide to let go of angry thoughts and actions. This can help alleviate some of the distress around the offense and dissuade people from seeking revenge. Emotional forgiveness is when a person releases the negative emotions about the offender and replaces them with more positive emotions. For example, Barbara may stop ruminating about the offense, release her anger towards John, and focusing on empathy for his difficulty saying no to women. She may seek to understand how his relationship with women in the past might have contributed to that, and how she might even have contributed to a dynamic where being honest about negative things was not acceptable in their home. Partners may decide to forgive early in the process, and emotional forgiveness usually takes longer to achieve. The Science of Couple Forgiveness is Quite Robust: Forgiveness is Good Most of the Time There is a substantial research base now for couple forgiveness helps couples regulate negative emotions in their relationship, lower guilt and shame through forgiveness processes allow the offender to release shame and engage in the relationship more positively commit to their relationship while forgiving make sacrifices for their relationship while forgiving find avenues towards forgiveness through perspective taking and empathy There is a small amount of research on the "dark side" of forgiveness with couples who have aggression or violence. In some couples where one person offends and the other one forgives, this actually increases the probability of aggression in the relationship (McNulty study). This is still being studied but it seems people who are aggressive may sometimes respond to forgiveness with increased aggression. So how did you do? If my partner/spouse apologizes, I must forgive them? False, these are different Forgiving someone means that I need to trust them again. False, different Forgiveness is the only way to repair a relationship. False, there are other ways I can choose to forgive, even if my emotions are still angry or upset. True, decisional forgiveness is one step, emotional forgiveness is a separate step Science can't really tell us whether it's possible to forgive. False, the science is robust This intervention is part of the "Increasing bond by repair, forgiving and reconciling" unit within Hope Focused Couple Counseling. Hope Focused Counseling Intake and Feedback/ Conceptualization Stabilization of conflict cycles (if needed) Increasing bond by exploring patterns Increasing bond by communication and conflict resolution skill building Increasing bond by repair, forgiving and reconciling Consolidating gains and planning for long-term future

A Family Genogram is a tool to reflect on what you brought with you into your relationship from the past. You love each other, and vowed to make a healthy family together- different than your parents and grandparents. But the past doesn't stay in the past and the relationships you've known become the scripts for the relationship you are in. Questions to ask yourself Were my grandparents marriages healthy? Would I be proud to have marriages like theirs? Did my parents have conflict that I had to watch and process as a child? What about my partner- What kind of marriages did he/she have in the family with grandparents, aunts/uncles, and parents? One tool to reflect on with your relationships from your family history is a genogram. A genogram is just a picture of what your family's relationship history has been. It's full of symbols to reflect the kinds of relationships, and emotional content of those relationships. Here's a brief video that describes what a genogram is and a demonstration of one genogram. Thank you to Bridgetown Church in Portland OR for creating this easy-to-understand video. Couple Exercise: Create your Genograms Each person create your genogram, going back to grandparents. Focus on the relationships, marriages and children created from those relationships. This set of symbols can help you reflect on the nature of the emotions between the couples in your family. If you don't really know anything about the nature of a relationship, just put a ? in the genogram. This is a key to how you can draw the ties between couples in your family. What kind of emotional valence did the couples in your family have? You can also draw ties between other family members as you explore in more depth if you would like to. Now its your turn. Take out a piece of blank paper and each partner draw your family tree with grandparents, step-grandparents, parents, step-parents, and siblings. If you would like to add aunts/uncles you can do that. If you aren't sure what to do, consider drawing the genogram with your counselor in session or search online for more help using "how to draw a genogram" as a search term. Questions to discuss as a couple, or in couple therapy? Are there patterns of marriage, divorce, abandonment or commitment in your family? You might also note if there are patterns of psychological diagnosis, substance abuse, legal problems, poverty or other kinds of struggles. Are there patterns of emotions in relationships that we notice in our families? How did the patterns in your family influence you to be in this relationship? Did you follow the patterns of the family or did you try hard to do the opposite of your extended family? As you put your two pieces of paper together. How would you characterize the emotional nature of your relationship? It can be more than one symbol. Do you see it similarly, or differently? How can understanding the relational patterns in your families help you with your goals for your relationship? This intervention is part of the exploring patterns unit within Hope Focused Couple Counseling. Hope Focused Counseling Intake and Feedback/ Conceptualization Stabilization of conflict cycles (if needed) Increasing bond by exploring patterns Increasing bond by communication and conflict resolution skill building Increasing bond by repair, forgiving and reconciling Consolidating gains and planning for long-term future

Where did Hope Focused Couple Counseling come from? Hope-focused couple counseling was created in the 1990s by Everett L. Worthington, Jr., Ph.D., Psychology Professor Emeritus at Virginia Commonwealth University. Jennifer Ripley, Ph.D., joined him in developing the approach in the late 90s and they have conducted numerous research studies, and two books (the original book and a second book) on the approach have been published. The hope-focused approach is the #1 approach to couple counseling utilized in one survey of lay counselors, ministers and professional counselors. Does it work? Several peer-reviewed scientific publications in reputable journals, such as those published by the American Psychological Association, have demonstrated positive effects for couples engaging in Hope-focused couple counseling. Research in two different labs (VCU and Regent University) have demonstrated efficacy with clinically significant results. The most recent publication below describes both short term outcomes (at the end of treatment) and long term outcomes (ranging from 6 months to 10 years) as demonstrating efficacy. Why does Hope Focused Couple Counseling Work? While there is no MRI-scan for couple counseling to see what is happening beneath the surface, and full component studies are not yet done, the creators of the approach have several ideas as to why it works. 1. A Focus on Hope. What is Hope? We define hope after the definition of a great social psychologist named C.R. Snyder who defined it as willpower (motivation) and waypower (pathways to change). Hope offers everyone the motivation towards their goal, and a sense of knowing how to reach that goal. Hope focused couple counseling is built on this principle. The goal is to reroute patterns that lead to negative cycles, create a space to bond as a couple, and practice changing together as a team. 2. A strategy targeting love, work and faith. Love- Build bonds between partners, fuels courage to attempt changes, and the experience of love is a central human striving. In relationships and religion, love is a central understanding of what it means to be human. Work- Relationships require work. We challenge couples in our clinic to spend 40 hours of work on their relationship. Most couples do not spend but a few hours trying to improve a relationship, but the work is important. Our goal is to help you create challenging but encouraging work that is effective in learning new patterns and ways of relating as a couple. Faith in a Higher Power, each other, and your counselor. Many people believe that their relationship is sacred, or ordained by God. Looking to God or a higher power to improve your relationship can be helpful through prayer, or spiritual practices. Having faith that you and your partner will be faithful in your couple counseling and relationship improvement activities at home changes your relationship. And finally having faith that your counselor is skilled and caring towards you is an effective ingredient for change. We use Thin-slicing strategy, not Thick Slices Malcolm Gladwell proposed in his book Blink (2005) many examples of how Too Much Information (TMI) is devastating to learning, especially in rapid, emotionally-challenging circumstances. Much of the interaction in a couple relationship is emotionally-challenging and below the level of awareness, and suffers if there is TMI. He said what is needed in these circumstances is thin-slicing of information in small memorable chunks. So our approach is simple, but not simplistic. We thin-slice the information you need to be memorable, not heavy. We use handouts, this website, acronyms, and other strategies that can be used every day, in regular relationships, without extensive training and study. Our Primary Goal is to Work Towards Repair of Damaged Emotional Bonds We first help stabilize the damage that might still be occurring with a variety of techniques and practices the couple engages in together. Then conflict and communication skills are used to show that change can occur. But the real action and long-term change occur in learning and practice repair of emotional bonds. Forgiveness and repair also set up the realistic expectation that hurt and pain will happen again in the future, even if you are excellent in relationship skills. But knowing how to recover quickly and well is how couples create a positive long-term bond together. There are general approaches to repair like understanding why an offense happened in the first place. Couples can increase their acceptance of each other and reduce trying to change their partner. Partners can practice forbearance, a trait highly valued in many Asian cultures in families as a means to a peaceful home. But most couples long for a good apology and forgiveness to mark the end of a season of hurt in their relationship. We help couples Apologize and Forgive. Often there have been small to large offenses in the relationship that have happened during the low-tide of relationship. Identifying those offenses, understanding where they came from for each partner, empathizing with each other, and REACHing forgiveness is a key towards recovery and return to a healthier happier relationship. In couple relationships, we help with emotional forgiveness where the negative emotions from an offense are replaced with more positive emotions of forgiveness. Emotional forgiveness can take time (as compared to decisional forgiveness where one decides not to seek revenge and attempt repair). We also help with self-forgiveness if a partner struggles with guilt over the things she or he did during the low-tide. Reconciliation is a goal for most couples Some couples feel they are at odds with each other and on different teams in life, so need a reconciliation. This can occur slowly over the course of couple counseling, or it could require some specific focus of counseling. Increasing both trustworthy and trusting behaviors is important to restore trust in a relationship. Integration of "who WE are" A final aspect of the Hope approach that we believe makes it effective is adding the individual personal flavors, experiences and style of the couple themselves. These self-definitions can be areas where couples can bond, or can be areas of focus if they create tension in the relationship Some couples have racial or ethnic experiences that are important to build a sense of "we" as a couple together in a world with obstacles or challenges. Experiences of migration, racial profiling, or being an outsider in a community are important experiences to understand for couples. Other couples have a particular religious or spiritual understanding of marriage or their relationship that creates their sense of "we." Religious and spiritual teachings and sacred ideas about their relationship, sex and parenting can be important ways that a couple can bond. For some couples, their life stage as newlyweds, or parents of young children, or empty-nesters are a very important part of what makes them unique and special in the world, as well as bringing challenges at each life stage. Other couples have varied gender or sexual identity experiences in understanding their relationship and self-definition. There are cultural, family-level, and couple-level definitions of "who we are" as a couple. And the Hope Focused approach weaves that into the theory, techniques, discussion, and goals of the couples who work with us.

Worksheets and Thoughts on Time Out and Cool Down from Dr. Jen Ripley, Psychology Professor and Author of Couple Therapy A New Hope Focused Couple Approach Humans can lose it! Our brains are made in such a way that we care PASSIONATELY about things that we love. If you are offensive and demeaning towards a sports team that I don't particularly care about, and don't follow, I will let it go. I won't care. But if you offend my family, or my deeply-held beliefs, or my lifelong passion for a sports team- best stand back. Things are about to get ugly. We particularly can lose it when we are angry with our spouse or those we deeply love. The very person we love most in the world, can make us more angry than anyone. It's shocking what I have heard in my office from two people who deeply love each other. "He wouldn't listen to me, so I yelled at the top of my lungs!" "She was walking away so I grabbed her hand and made her stand there with me" We like to think of ourselves as rational, thoughtful, moral creatures. But a threat to our primary attachment to our mate can cause anyone to lose it. What to do next? Flooding- Fighting- and Fleeing vs. Intentional Time Out Flooding is when you feel so emotionally overwhelmed with fear, anger, sadness, loneliness or rage that you are emotionally flooded out. Ever heard the old saying that a drowning person will drag you under too? Flooding is characterized by feeling like the animal part of our brain has taken charge, and is hard-charging for our goals. We sometimes do things we later regret when flooded with harsh and heavy emotions. Time of flooding are times to pay attention! Notice what is happening here. The decisions you make in the time of a flood can make or break your life. Fighting or Fleeing are our human response to emotional floods. We either decide to fight it out, in the hopes to reach our goals through argument or even physical altercations like grabbing, pinning, pulling, or pushing. We might also deal with the flood by fleeing- avoiding the flood, trying to get to higher ground where things are less threatening. Both of these responses are deeply built into our animal brains and we need them. How can we intentionally Time Out? In the midst of an emotional flood, you can use a well-practiced response of a time-out. It is a kind of fleeing, but it's an intentional one. Fighting with your mate when you are especially angry and emotionally flooded can lead to words or deeds that can cause real damage. It is better to intentionally take a break and cool down. Why step back? If either partner is flooded, nothing good is going to happen in the conversation. Even using persuasion to fight will likely lead to bad decisions, bad intent, and bad feelings about each other. If your partner is trying to get away from you in an argument then it may be to prevent saying or doing something they will regret. What to say? It's best to say "I don't feel like I can say or do anything here without hurting our relationship. This isn't going well. I need a break. Let's talk later" Where to step back? When things are calm between you and your mate you should discuss this. Where do you often have your arguments? In your room? In the living room? On the phone? If either of you needs to take a break- where will you go? Can you leave the room for a while? Who to step back? Often one person in a relationship has more ability to notice things are going wrong, and call for a break. You might discuss your natural abilities to do this, and how your past experiences have influenced where you are in the ability to take a time out. Some people really struggle with this across relationships in their life, and if this is you then some deeper exploration of patterns and underlying beliefs about how to be in relationships when there is conflict would be great. What to do DURING the Time Out? This may be the most important question to answer. Some people ruminate during a Time out. A friend of mine once said that when he fought with his wife (of 50 years!) he would go to the garage and bang around and mumble to himself "She can't say that to me. I don't deserve this. What is wrong with her?" Can you relate? Garage-talking is rumination- it's focusing on how you were hurt and what your come-back speech is going to say. This will only cause you distress and pain. The best thing to do is create a Time Out alternative list of things to do. Some people go on a run/ exercise, others pick up a good youtube comedy act, some go and garden or cook something, while others will do some prayer and meditation. Anything that helps change your brain's focus away from fight & flight towards loving each other. I do not think we can do this...(cue sinking heart and hopeless wave of emotion) I'll confess that this was something I struggled with in my 20s especially before I had learned about Time Out. I really thought that if we took a time out, my husband wouldn't talk to me about the issue in a good way in the future. Ya know- it wasn't a good conversation in the flood zone anyway so what a bad plan to try and continue talking during a flood. I just felt desperate and upset, and lacked the skills to handle conflict well in my marriage. I wasn't even sure we could learn how to disagree or have tense conversations in loving ways. But we did learn. Some good reflection can help to understand why is this especially hard for you. Do you have a fear you will be abandoned (emotionally or physically)? Did your parents, or a past relationship, train you to respond to conflict in ways that are not healthy? Do you sometimes feel unlovable and hold on too tightly? If you are not in control of what happens in your relationship, does that seem like an intolerable situation? Do you tend to blame your spouse and ruminate about problems? These, and other good questions, can be excellent ways to understand and grow as a person in relationships and as a couple. And release you to a good time out. Hope focused couple counseling can help you learn how to have a great time out! To do it well in your life generally, and your relationship.

If prayer isn't something you are into, then the "Reflect" version is below. Do you have a Couple Improvement Plan? Atomic Habits by James Clear is a sensation of a book because it helps us all understand what kind of habits in life will help us reach our goals. We all understand that small habits help us to learn to exercise more, eat healthier, take regular breaks, network better at work, or improve our relationships! Couple relationships are no different- we need small everyday habits. So the Hope Focused Couple Counseling Program harnesses the power of small habits to nudge couples towards healthier and happier relationships in small daily activities. The habits we select are based on the current research literature on what small activities seem to help most relationships. Let us know if it's helpful to you! Four Components to Daily Habits Gratitude. The first step is to daily list things you are grateful for relevant to your relationship. It can be a bullet list or you can journal. You can be grateful for aspects of your partner, things she/he has done, or the opportunity to have love in your life. You can be grateful to God, or to your partner, or to the Universe. Just be grateful every day. The research on gratitude is extensive as a way of turning our life around. Gratitude helps people who are depressed, discouraged, feeling lost or disoriented. Gratitude is one of the most powerful small habits a person can use- and it can be done all on your own! Your partner doesn't even have to agree to it. Bob Emmons, Ph.D., is a leading expert in gratitude with dozens of research studies on the effects of gratitude. He has found that self-guided daily gratitude journaling increases well-being in a variety of measures. It has also been found to be helpful to couples in relationships! Connect. The next step is to connect with your partner in small and big ways each week. The weekly "big date" is important for relationship repair and maintenance. The point of the big date is to just spend time together enjoying each other's company. We often recommend couples find one of those discussion questions like the 36 questions, or something you find on Pinterest, to have a good set of questions to ask each other during your date. The five-minute date is a daily check in on the details of each others' lives. How is work? What's going on with the kids? What do you hope will happen today? What is making you anxious or afraid? Care. Next write down a few things you do this week that involve caring for your self. Self-care is discussed so much today it's almost easy to make fun of it. But it's nothing more than taking stock of your life, and engaging in life-giving activities that match your values and goals in life. What is important to you? Are you spending your life doing the things that match your values? Self-care can include engaging in quiet solitude or worship that refreshes your soul. Or it can be exercise and invigorating activities. Creative activities like making a beautiful dinner or artwork can be self-care. Self-care can be social activities like hanging out with friends on the weekend or playing games with your kids. Self-care can involve giving to others of your time and resources through volunteerism. Prayer or Reflect. The final two boxes in this worksheet focus you on prayer and why you are engaging in couple therapy or enrichment. If you want to write out full prayers you might use the back of the worksheet or a personal prayer journal. If prayer isn't something you are into, then meditation and reflection may fit for your needs. Engaging with the "why" or purposes in our life is a very important aspect of therapy. It gives us energy, purpose, and meaning. If you find yourself feeling lost about meaning and "why" you might try taking the Meaning in Life questionnaire and VIA Survey of Character Strengths at authentichappiness.org through the University of Pennsylvania (free). Connecting with God is a way of finding meaning for most people. Taking time to pray and reflect on the greater purposes of living in your relationship is a good habit to engage in. You might note how much you plead with God (which is OK, I'm sure God loves to hear our requests!), and balancing it with gratitude, and listening prayers. Ignatian practice uses listening prayers, as well as most Protestants practice listening to the Holy Spirit. Meditation and prayer is also common in all the major world religions, and even non-religious people reflect and meditate. Prayer has demonstrated to improve mental and physical well-being. Take Notes? Sure! At the bottom of this worksheet is a place to write anything you want to remember about your couple therapy this week. Couple therapy can move fast- if you don't stop and reflect now and then you might miss something, or forget things you are learning. We recommend you keep these worksheets. They can be a nice reflection in the future when you want to repair or improve your relationship. How did you do it?

The first thing I learned in marriage was "this person is so different than me!" Perhaps you have had this experience. You are so excited to move in together and get to be together every day. You have a bright future and have made your vows. And then you start living with someone who is very different than you. The differences can be tiny, or large but they add up. She loads the toilet paper the wrong way, I load it flap down. He talks trash with his brother all the time. I talk to my brother a few times a year. She is going to worship services 2-3 times a week, I don't go that often He stays at work past when he really needs to, I would never do that. She doesn't clean up right after dinner is over, I always do. Whether the differences are small ones, like toilet paper, or larger ones like spiritual values, ways of raising children, and external relationships, all couples have differences. How do you handle your differences? Differentiation There is a concept in family therapy that is known as differentiation. Murray Bowen defined differentiation in the family as a process of freeing yourself from the family for individual definition. That is quite individualistic and doesn't fit many people's values or self-definition. Most couple and family therapists today see differentiation as a balance- how can you be connected and responsible for your relationship health and your partner, while also being unique and independent from each other. Connection and Individual Boundaries All families are a balance of connection and individual boundaries. You might give up a job opportunity because it would involve traveling so much that it would drain your marriage and children. But you might also take time for yourself for hobbies or friendships. Adolescents are expected to contribute to the household through chores, and relationships with others in the family as points of connection. But their closed bedroom door and individual "style" (which might be off-putting or bewildering to older or younger family members) is respected as their individual boundary in a healthy family. Healthy families even find a way to appreciate that individual "style" in teenagers. Too much connection and the family becomes enmeshed, unable to function or operate without constant check-ins, reassurances, and isolation from external relationships. Often an over-connected family actually serves one person in the family that is receiving constant care in a way that is not age-appropriate. Too little connection and the family drifts apart, without the support and love that a family needs. The family that never eats meals together, or doesn't enjoy activities together is demonstrating under-connection in ways that will eventually be maladaptive for the family and the individuals within it. Connection and Boundaries Change Over Time There are phases in a family-life that call for increased connection and boundaries. You might consider where you are right now in your family life-stage. Engaged couples or newlyweds are often high in connection as they are creating a new relationship together. That new relationship requires a great deal of energy to create connection and build the bond that will carry the family for decades to come. So this phase may need a bit of balance of partners respecting time apart and individual pursuits. Established couples without children (at any age) may find that boundaries are really important to them. They want to have their own individual pursuits, hobbies, friends and career adventures. This type of relationship may need intentional bonding time on a daily and weekly basis since the home-life won't naturally require it. Families with infants to preschoolers have the strongest pressures towards connection. Babies naturally require a great deal of time, support, and parental cooperation. Those couples that struggle with connection may find this phase of family-life especially difficult as other individual pursuits, hobbies, finances, and time are put up on the shelf to meet the needs of the baby. Finding small ways to have individual time, while meeting the all encompassing needs of the baby is important in this life stage. Healthy Differentiation A healthy relationship is non-anxious about both closeness and separation. You can ask yourself Do I feel anxious when I don't know where my partner is? Do I get upset when my partner doesn't help with my distress? Does time apart lead me to believe things I know aren't true, like my partner doesn't want me? If you answer yes to questions like this then you might struggle with separation or boundaries side of relationships. Your natural pull is towards connection, and sometimes it might get unbalanced. Do your partner's needs cause you to feel overwhelmed that you can't meet them? When you think about giving up personal autonomy, for the sake of your relationship/family, does this make you feel quite distressed? Does any clingy or needy behavior in others cause you to cringe inside? If you answer yes to questions like this then you might struggle with the closeness side of relationships. Your natural pull is towards autonomy, and sometimes you might find yourself all alone in an unbalanced life. Accepting Each Other Well-differentiated couples can accept that partners are different. Some people need more reassurance, closeness, and connection due to their personality, experience, and biology. Some need more autonomy, independence, and alone-time. Couples who can stretch themselves to accommodate the other person actually increase their personal capacity. Without your mate you may never stretch yourself in new ways to healthy connection, and healthy boundaries. The process of accepting each other, listening well to the needs of your partner, and meeting those needs when you can is what healthy relationships are all about. Hope focused couple counseling can help create a healthy middle-ground where you accept your natural inclinations, while stretching yourself towards a balance of closeness and separation/autonomy. Individual and Couple Narrative Exercise An exercise in couple enrichment or therapy to address this issue of differentiation: Write individual narratives of your life story (one idea for that here). Consider how your families of origin or previous relationships handled closeness and autonomy. What key events in your life might illuminate your own comfort with closeness or autonomy? Then together co-author your relationship story as a narrative. (You might also like our vision-casting worksheet to help with ideas) Note which is harder to write and discuss it together, or with your couple counselor. What about your individual narrative shows balance if closeness and autonomy? What about your relationship story shows a respect for differences between you while balancing close connection and intimacy?

What should you do when you or your spouse angrily snap at each other? How can you prevent snapping from becoming a very bad day? And can a pet cat beat a gator in head to head combat? Julian had a very bad day. It started with a missed alarm clock, then a passive-aggressive comment from "that guy" playing the role of frenemy at work, and then the new account went completely sideways and all the work he had done for 2 weeks was lost. Finally, there was an accident on the route home turning a 20 minute commute into 50 minutes. He just wanted to get on some sweats, go for a run, and settle in to a screen for a bit of ESCAPE. But that's not what happened. The first grader had a class project due tomorrow (why was this just told us us today?) and Julian's wife Sandra was at a women's group at their church. So 2 hours later he had successfully held it together for his mini-me first grader and the class project - the kids are in bed- though he never did get that run - he opened up his screen quietly on the couch. Ahhh! Sandra comes home and says with a snarky voice "Hey! What's with all the junk on the kitchen table? Seriously Julian!?" (SNAP!) What would you say? You are tired, have been holding onto the last shred of self-control with workmates, projects, driving, kids and all without that wonderful jog. Here's 5 tips on how to respond to snapping in a relationship 1. Cool slow alligators are nice, when you can We can practice cool and slow responses to high-risk and tense situations. But it is very hard. The ancient gator-like animal parts of our human brains have developed to use quick, reactive, and sometimes aggressive, responses to high-stress situations. After all, for almost all of human history a very fast reaction to the spider, snake, alligator, or neighbor with a weapon helped keep our ancestors alive. And even today a quick defensive response while driving, running, or moving quickly can save our lives or the lives of others. Being able to quickly react is a human super-power. That doesn't mean we have to just give in to the alligator brain inside of us, and snap at each other. We do have another part of our brain, the slower, cooler, more thoughtful part of the brain. The problem is that the slow-thoughtful part of our brain is much slower than the quick-reactive part of our brain. 2. Pay attention to alligators coming to the surface When we have had a horrible day, like Julius had, it's like the animal brain starts to come to the surface. It gets ready to react and defend us against threats. If you know you have had a horrible day- it's time to pull out your "horrible day" grab bag. We humans are smart and we can notice when our body is tense, our head is aching, our thoughts are negative, and our emotions are running away. We can use our own special set of skills to manage our stress. For example, some people pray or meditate, some use perspective-taking, or improve stress appraisal. You have the ability to live well in your brain. 3. Never swim alone Social support and partner-soothing is a powerful tool in the face of a very bad day. Julius could go to Sandra and say "I will take care of that mess too, but I could really use a hug right now. It's been an awful day" Partners that find ways to request and give support and soothing for each other cope much better with stress in their lives. Couples who soothe each other's anxieties and concerns regularly create an amazing two-brain feedback loop of stress management. As intimate partners your bodies are literally co-regulating and synced with each other biologically to manage stress and threat in your environment. That partner hug, or kind word, or smile is powerful in managing life stress. When you turn away from each other, or turn ON each other and break that bond, you are much more vulnerable. 4. Time-outs for Alligators Snapping will happen in every relationship. Words are said. Grunts. Growls. The alligators have come to the surface and the co-regulating bond has been broken. Now what? Time-out works. And it's not just for toddlers. Anyone feeling overwhelmed and stressed-out tend to search for a way to slow down, regroup, and let the alligators go back under water for a nice long nap. The Hope Focused approach to couple counseling has an educational worksheet on how to do an effective time out. For most any couple, the goal would not be to stop snappy moments from happening. Those are so quick and reactive that it's very difficult to stop them completely. But instead you can work to do the next right thing after a snappy moment. Cool down, take a time-out, let the figurative angry gators go under the surface and the co-regulating positive bonds rise up again. 5. Be kind, We're only Alligators Our life as humans is stressful, and full of unexpected needs to react quickly. Sometimes we use that skill well and sometimes we use it against our family members. We all need kindness, grace, and forgiveness from our spouse in this wild world. The couples that can easily let things go, understand that everyone has bad days enjoys a happier life together. And then get the relationship back on track as quickly as you can. Find your own ways to repair the relationship. After all, we are only humans (with adorable, adaptive gators in the brain). If you find this information helpful, consider signing up for the Hope Focused Couple Counseling program of couple counseling. I (Jen Ripley) spent my early childhood in central Florida where the gators are plentiful and used to LOVE going to see gators as a kid. So to end this blog I found this hilarious video of a few cats that stared down the jaws of gators and won! Hope it makes you smile too as you consider angry snapping- and the power of a 10 pound fur-ball!