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The Long Term outcome research on the Hope approach to couple therapy indicates that the majority of couples retain growth and improvement even 2-10 years after finishing a course of couple treatment. Dr. Ripley briefly describes this research for a non-psychologist audience. Link to the published article: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2022-10489-001 Hope-focused couple counseling demonstrates positive outcomes after treatment and 2-10 years later. What is it about? A study of the strategic hope-focused approach to couple counseling finds that couples who complete the counseling improve in their relationship after treatment. The results of improvement hold up in a 2-10 year post-treatment follow up analysis. Couples who started counseling with clinical scores, indicating dissatisfaction, consistently improved after treatment and maintained their results. Couples who started counseling scoring in the enrichment range, or happier, maintained their happiness. Why is it important? The long-term effects of couple counseling is largely unexplored. This is the first study of the hope-focused approach long-term effects. The results are similar to other couple counseling long-term studies which find couples counseling is effective and tends to have a long-term positive effect overall.

You make plans to improve all aspects of life, why not your most important relationship? Whether a self-improvement plan, or part of Hope Focused Couple Counseling, an intentional couple improvement plan is a key to success. We encourage couples to complete the Couple Improvement Plan each week when in couple therapy. “The daily and weekly work of improving the relationship was really the key to getting our relationship back on track.” Gratitude There is considerable evidence that a grateful mindset distinguishes between a healthy happy life and home. In comparison, unhappy partners tend to ruminate about the shortcoming, negative behaviors, and injustices in the relationship. While negative things shouldn't be ignored, most people get stuck in ruminating about the negative things. This depletes people from the energy and work to improve. Gratitude to God, to each other, to yourself, to the people who love and support you are all important parts of healthy living. The Big Date and 5-minute Date Each week plan a big date doing something enjoyable together. This is not a time to solve your problems as a couple but to encourage, pour into each other, love, laugh, and play together. Each day plan a 5-minute date together. This is a daily check-in on the details of each others lives. Ask about work, the kids, your hopes, fears, worries, anything that it is your mind. Listen to each other for a few minutes and stay connected. Dr. Ripley discusses the 5-minute date for Loveology.org Self-Care Couples should enjoy time together and time on your own. Self-care is any way that you are taking care of your own needs and wants in life. A healthy partnership involves leaning on each other and also being able to stand on your own too. My "Why" This is the reason you are improving your relationship. Why is this relationship important to you? Why is it important to your children or others in your life? What dynamics and processes are you improving? What is the eternal or existential meaning of your marriage or relationship? Where is God in your relationship? Prayer Prayers of blessings for your partner, your relationship, family, home, ministry, friends, and your work. Lament the things that have been lost or are struggling. Ask God for strength and wisdom. Praise God for the good things. Pray on your own, or pray together. Pray often. When you pray, avoid ruminating about your partner's faults or problems. Put the struggles on the altar and let God care for your partner and you in areas of pain or struggle. Want to have a strong focus on prayer? Try our prayer journal for marriage. Notes from Therapy Therapy "moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it" (Ferris Bueller quote). The things you are learning in couple therapy can be captured here so you can ponder and reflect on what you are learning. You can also return to these notes in the future when you might find remembrance helpful. This intervention is homework applicable to all units within Hope Focused Couple Counseling. It is intended to be a weekly home exercise for couples. Hope Focused Counseling Intake and Feedback/ Conceptualization Stabilization of conflict cycles (if needed) Increasing bond by exploring patterns Increasing bond by communication and conflict resolution skill building Increasing bond by repair, forgiving and reconciling Consolidating gains and planning for long-term future

Starting couple counseling brings many questions and concerns. Dr. Ripley answers common questions about starting Hope Focused Couple Counseling Will Hope Focused Couple Counseling be a negative experience? No. Not if we are all doing this right. While either partner can "blow up" a session with negativity, and difficult things in life can be discussed, the process should involve experimenting with new ways of relating. The therapist is there to stop negative patterns from blowing up, and redirect conversations to more productive work. The old ways you have been relating aren't working for you to be a team. Hope counseling will create new ways to relate, and that can be kind of fun. Will my partner change? Yes, and No. The goal of couple counseling is for the relationship to change. If you think the relationship can change without any change from either partner, that seems unrealistic. What I like to see in couples seeking counseling is a willingness to try new things out of their love for each other and commitment to their marriage or relationship. We are so defensive, how can that change? It takes love and courage to let down your guard and work together to become a team. Any sports team that undermines, criticizes, ignores, and harms each other won't last for long. If you are caught in that cycle, you are very aware of how painful and difficult it is to continue to live in a defensive posture in your relationship. What a couple has as their secret weapon is something few sports teams have- love. Hope-focused couple counseling offers you the potential you can transform your relationship through: Love for each other fuels the courage you need to try and change. A mama bear will be courageous to protect her cubs because she loves them. A couple that loves each other can be courageous to protect their relationship. We have witnessed couples repair relationships that were deeply damaged out of their deeper love. Work towards improvement. Relationships take work. If things have been going poorly for a while, both partners have likely stopped putting work into the relationship to improve it. Or perhaps the work hasn't been effective. A couple counselor can help you work in ways that are effective for your relationship improvement. Faith in a Higher Power, each other, and your counselor. Many people believe that their relationship is sacred, or ordained by God. Looking to God or a higher power to improve your relationship can be helpful through prayer, or spiritual practices. Having faith that you and your partner will show up for couple counseling and relationship improvement activities at home changes your relationship. And finally having faith that your counselor is skilled and caring towards you is an effective ingredient for change. Are there situations where couple counseling isn't a good idea? Any couple counselor would recommend individual counseling first if there is domestic violence, current infidelity, severe psychopathology that needs to be stabilized first, or current substance abuse. If a person is in a dating-only relationship that is going poorly, we recommend individual counseling. There may be other situations where individual needs take precedence, even if the pain is felt largely in the relationship. The goal of individual counseling is to help that one person (or both if both are facing these issues) orient towards growth and health first, understand why the problem is happening, and begin treatment to address the problem. Sometimes their partner needs some understanding of the problem too so they can be supportive. Then after some weeks or months, then couple counseling can help the couple rebuild a relationship in a more healthy direction together. One of us is reluctant to start this, what should we do? In most couples, one person is more interested in couple counseling than the other. This is normal. Perhaps one of you has not experienced counseling before, or had a bad experience. Perhaps one of you has some guilt or shame about how they have acted in the relationship and are concerned they will be blamed. Perhaps one of you is unsure what will happen in counseling. Or perhaps one of you has no hope that the relationship can change. Your relationship is worth an initial consultation with a couple counselor. In Hope Focused approach We have an intake period, and then we give feedback on what we see as strengths and areas to focus on in counseling, with a specific plan for change. You will be able to see what you are getting into before you commit. You can step out at that point if it doesn't seem like a good match for you. Couple therapists will not blame a partner. The goal is to help understand where things went wrong and practice new ways of relating. Hope-focused approach lasts from 8-15 sessions. It is not a long-term type of couple counseling. And we offer specific information about what will happen in our meetings. We believe all relationships can improve if both partners are willing to work. If you believe things can't change that likely means you are the one who is unwilling to work on things. This is a depressogenic idea, likely to bleed over into other parts of your life feeling helpless, ineffective, and doomed. It's worth a try, for the sake of your relationship. And we would like to partner with you to find hope.

A strategy for communication makes all the difference in life together as a couple. Communication is crucial to healthy relationships. At times communicating may seem easy and at others it may seem almost impossible. There are certain principles that are always helpful in fostering healthy communication. As simple or obvious as the principles may seem, they are often easy to overlook when they might matter the most. Communication Strategy “It doesn't take long to stop and think about HOW we communicate.” Practicing these principles and talking with your partner are great ways to begin to strengthen your communication skills. This week, take time to consider what principles you could strengthen and share this with your partner. Practice these important principles of good communication, which are based on the Scripture Ephesians 4:15 “…speaking the truth in love.” God wants us to learn to be good listeners. James 1:19 states, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” God can use our marriage to teach us the principle of being quick to listen. The HOPE Principles for Healthy Communication: 1. Speaking: Take turns speaking 1. Take turns talking – It is easy to talk over each other. Be purposeful in taking short turns in talking with one another. Be careful to make sure that you both get balanced “talking time”. 2. THE: next thing you say isn’t what is most important. “Really listen to your partner, don’t be self-centered just thinking of the next thing to say.” Really listen to your partner, not just think of the next thing to say – Half of communication is listening. If someone does not listen, then they will not know how to best respond. Not listening to your partner opens the door for more hurts and longer disagreements 3. TRUTH: Don’t make assumptions, make sure you understand what is true about each other Slow down the conversation – Speak calmly and quietly to one another. If this begins to become difficult then take a break from the discussion and continue it later. Slowing things down will help in taking turns talking and really listening to each other. It will also help to make sure you think before you speak. 4. IN: Increase understanding by slowing down the conversation Infuse difficult conversations with loving statements – During discussions it is very important to remind your partner of your love and care. Doing this will help keep the discussion on track towards meeting a healthy resolution. 5. LOVE: Infuse difficult conversations with loving statements Don’t make assumptions; make sure you understand each other – If you feel that you do not understand your partner, then take the time to lovingly express this. Doing this will help clarify the root of the discussion and result in a deeper healing process. As you practice and discuss these principles, please answer these questions: 1. What obstacles get in the way of implementing these principles in your marriage communication? 2. What ideas do you have to hurdle those obstacles? This intervention is part of the communication skills unit within Hope Focused Couple Counseling. Hope Focused Counseling Intake and Feedback/ Conceptualization Stabilization of conflict cycles (if needed) Increasing bond by exploring patterns Increasing bond by communication and conflict resolution skill building Increasing bond by repair, forgiving and reconciling Consolidating gains and planning for long-term future

After getting married the first conflict that I had was 3 days into the honeymoon. Yup, just 3 days. But there we were fighting over whether to stop and ask for directions. I can't make this stuff up! Before the smartphone era, this is a fight most couples had. I wanted to stop and ask for directions to a nice restaurant and my new husband insisted that the gas station attendant wouldn't give a good recommendation. Most likely we were both right. We didn't stop to ask and so we will never know. And that dinner at Golden Corral is still a humbling story we tell today. We went a few rounds to try and persuade each other that we were right. We weren't careful with our words. Our pride took over and we both thought we were right and didn't want to give in. We didn't stop to wonder WHY we were fighting over this or what it might really be all about for us. But it did ruin the evening, and that was too bad. LOVE as a Conflict Skill Four principles help build up your conflict skills so you can be a master at conflicts. L stands for Listen. If either of us had said "Ok, ok. Tell me what you think about getting directions and this dinner. Let me hear what you are thinking" we could have avoided some pain. When you notice conflict has started up- the skill at being able to listen to your partner's point of view without insisting on sharing your own ideas. That's a relationship master. This skill can be learned with practice. Listening is a skill and anyone can learn it. O stands for Observe. In the middle of a conflict, it's really easy for the "fog of war" to settle in. The fog of war is a very real phenomenon when conflict is underway. The defenses go up. The offenses go out like porcupine quills in attack formation. The relationship skill to develop is to be like a general at the top of a mountain who can observe what is going on. Stop for a second. Perhaps you could say "Give me a second here. I feel like I'm losing perspective and I don't want to fight. I think I am observing our defenses are up and we aren't in a good place. Do you see that too?" If you are excellent at conflict you can repeatedly check-in and observe the conversation. Is the conflict escalating? Then you might need to take a break, or cease-fire, so you can let your defenses down and remember you do love each other. Is the conflict de-escalating and moving towards a truce? Congratulate yourselves! That is terrific! V stands for Value your Mate. There is a Proverb (31:10) that says if you find a wife (applies to husbands too) of good character, that is worth more than rubies or jewels. You might remember back when you found your mate, out of all the people in the world. He/she was worthy. You saw all the good traits and how good your partner is. In the middle of conflict, couples often cease to treat each other as valuable. You might have a conversation (not during a conversation, but over a nice dinner) about what can communicate value and great-worth to each other. Valuing and refusing to de-value each other during conflict is an important relationship skill. If this is very difficult for you then some skill-building in distress tolerance and being a non-anxious presence in stressful situations may be helpful to you. E stands for Evaluate the underlying relationship interests. Everyone has underlying relationship interests that are playing out during conflicts and are often outside of our awareness. Underneath those conflicts are often unrecognized and unexplored relationship needs. If they can be brought into awareness and shared vulnerably the conflict can turn into a moment to strengthen your bond. The five relationships needs we describe are: Connection: To feel attached, connected, and seen by people we are in a relationship with. Autonomy: To make decisions for ourselves and be trusted that our decisions are good. Security: To have a sense of safety, and that basic needs like food, shelter, safety and care will be met. Significance: The life we are living, and our purpose in it, are important and significant. I matter to you. Growth: That life is moving towards growth, relationally, spiritually, psychologically, & personally. We describe 5 essential relationship interests in the Blog post on Relationship Needs. Read more about it here. This intervention is part of the conflict resolution skills unit within Hope Focused Couple Counseling. Hope Focused Counseling Intake and Feedback/ Conceptualization Stabilization of conflict cycles (if needed) Increasing bond by exploring patterns Increasing bond by communication and conflict resolution skill building Increasing bond by repair, forgiving and reconciling Consolidating gains and planning for long-term future by Dr. Jennifer Ripley, Ph.D., Regent University Hughes Professor of Psychology and Co-Director of Charis Institute

Repair of a marriage or intimate relationship is one of the most important things you can learn for long-term happiness. You can feel the tension between you. You know that an offense has happened and you would really like to repair things and get back to a loving, positive relationship. You hope that repair and forgiveness can happen soon between you. How ? Conflict Conflict is normal in any close relationship, especially ones where you expect to have some of your needs met. Perhaps your partner isn't affectionate as you need them to be. Or perhaps they can be a little self-focused and forget about you when they are at work or with their friends. Conflicts between individual needs vs. partner needs are common. And sometimes a partner just has a bad day, and words are said, and defenses go up. Conflict. Even the best relationships will sometimes have harsh words against each other yelling ignoring each other gossip against each other use up communal resources for one person Repair Attempts There is some research on the importance of repair attempts in relationships. Gottman studied couples in his love lab and was able to find attempts at repair as a sign of healthy couples. Repair attempts can be many things, including an apology saying "I'm tired of fighting, can we return to normal?" giving a gift doing a chore for the other person affection returning to kind words and positive way of relating Some repair attempts are clear- with the person saying they don't like the conflict and want to make things right. Many times there are minor tiffs and conflicts, and then one person will make a repair attempt without stating that is what they are doing. How to Make a Great Repair Attempt Observe what is really going on. Are there underlying needs that help you observe and understand the conflict. Even if you don't fully understand, it is helpful to try and understand why you and your partner are at-odds with each other. Pick the right TIME to attempt a repair. If either of you are still overwhelmed with emotions, then you might need to cool down first. Sometimes a good break, meal, or even overnight sleep can help cool down and be ready to repair. You can just ask your mate, are you ready to try and repair this yet or need some more time? Accept their answer. Offer an Apology for your part. A clear direct apology, without explaining the reasons you hurt your partner. Just say "I'm sorry I hurt you. I should not have said those things to you" Reasons can be helpful, but not always. If your partner is ready to hear the reasons why you hurt them, you can offer up your reasons. Reasons can be things like being tired, stressed out, feeling sick or hungry, or getting too focused on yourself and not considerate of each other. But offering up reasons before your partner wants to hear them is usually heard as excuse-making. See how this comes across to you: A. I'm so sorry I said those terrible things to you. I shouldn't have said that. B. I'm so sorry I said those terrible things to you. I was tired, and cranky, and hungry, and my boss got on my case today at work about nothing. It was a terrible day for me. Would you rather hear A or B from your mate? Most everyone says A. That is taking full responsibility. Explaining reasons often comes across as excuse-making. 5. Offer up generous relevant restitution. In a relationship, balancing things and doing your best to be a blessing and a resource to your partner is important. If you said mean words, then offer up some kind and loving words to compensate. If you ignored your partner, make a plan for a good date together. If you gossiped about him with a friend, say you will tell your friend you were wrong and repair that relationship. Any kind of restitution is helpful, but restitution that is generous, and relevant to the offense is best. Forgiveness can happen during or after a repair attempt in a relationship.