Christmas Dating for Couples: How to Survive Christmas Stress Without Snapping At your Mate

by Jen Ripley Ph.D. with intervention materials from Jared Tan, M.A.

Christmas Fighting Traditions

Christmas used to be so stressful for my husband and I. We could count on a good fight at least once before and after Christmas. We would visit family... enough said about THAT causing tensions. We had different ideas of how many Christmas parties we wanted to attend, and as the extrovert, I always wanted to do more than his introvert self could tolerate. In our early days, it was hard to decide how much time is good to spend with grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Then there's how much to spend on gifts. Yeah... fights.

Christmas Dating

And then we discovered Christmas dating! Now my husband and I already regularly date once a week. We might not go out to dinner and a movie, but we take a walk, cuddle on the couch, and generally try and put down our phones and look at each other on Friday nights. We both love it and credit this habit as what has kept two rather-stubborn people happily married for over 30 years.

Christmas dating is a new thing- because those Friday nights get booked up with office parties, and friend-parties, and travel. We would often go over a month without dating. So we started just telling our family that we were going out, just the two of us for a few hours. We might wander around Target, or go drive around with Christmas lights, or sit in a quiet Christmas service together, or go parking like we did in high school... smile. It gave us a chance to talk through tensions and have more clear conversations we couldn't have in front of everyone else.

A Christmas Movie Date

A star doctoral student, Jared Tan, created a fabulous intervention, perfect for a Christmas date night but applicable any time of year. Perhaps you have been in couple therapy but you have a break due to the holiday, and you don't want to lose momentum. Yet you also don't want to instigate your negative cycle (why does every couple therapist talk about the negative cycle? Such a universal experience of couple-life) and make things worse.

So Jared created the Movie Discussion Date.

How the Movie Discussion Date Works

A. Pick a movie.

I know- this can be tense but if you think it might be tense- then let your partner pick the movie  (it is Christmas after all), or use paper-rock-scissors to decide. We recommend the following 4 movies, one of which is a Christmas movie. These movies are great with themes of relationship repair. You can stream, rent or buy these movies with major movie streaming vendors.

• Four Christmases (2008) with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn navigate how to understand and forgive each other. 1 hour 28 minutes.

  
  

• Obsessed (2009) with Idris Elba, Beyonce Knowles, & Ali Larter. A seductive office temp creates chaos in a couple's relationship. 1 hour 48 minutes.

  
  

• Fools Rush In (1997) with Matthew Perry and Selma Hayek. A couple finds themselves expecting a baby after a one-night stand and then they create a relationship, with some need for understanding and forgiveness.

  
  

• Yours Mine and Ours (2005) with Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo. A couple creates a blended family with struggles and offenses with their kids and each other.

You might have another movie you think of with a theme of a couple courageously creating a healthy relationship despite obstacles and offenses.

B. Discuss the Movie

HOPE-Focused Movie Date Worksheet

A reflective conversation guide for couples

After watching your movie together, settle into a cozy space with some coffee, cocoa, or tea. Use these prompts to explore how the story illustrates strengths, challenges, and growth areas in your own relationship.

1. The Relationship in the Movie

• What was the main relationship portrayed in the movie?(Describe the couple or primary relationship you’ll focus on.)

2. The Couple’s Main Problem(s)

• What main problem(s) did this couple face?

• Are any of these similar to challenges the two of you have faced or might face?

3. Understanding and Acceptance

• Did this couple strive to understand each other?

• Did they tend to accept one another’s differences, or did they attack each other’s differences?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

4. Friendship and Support

• Did the couple have a strong friendship?

• Were they able to support each other through stress, bad moods, and hard times?

• Did they listen like good friends and show affection or consideration?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

5. Handling Differences or Arguments

• How did the couple handle disagreements?

• Did they open up and share honestly, or snap with anger?

• Did they use humor to soften tension?

• Did it feel like they were trying to understand each other?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

6. Conflict Escalation

• Did their arguments become heated or hostile?

• Did they attack each other or say things they didn’t mean?

• How did their arguments tend to end once they escalated?

In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?

7. Bringing Up Problems

• When one partner raised a concern, did they do it constructively or did it feel like an attack?

• Did problem-raising ever feel like an attack on the partner’s character?

8. Handling Hurt Feelings & Apologies

• How did the couple handle hurt feelings?

• Did they apologize—and if so, did it seem sincere?

• As they apologized or forgave, did they reflect on their own history of giving and receiving forgiveness?

How do you normally apologize and seek forgiveness in your relationship?

9. Insights for Your Own Relationship

• What else in the movie prompted you to think differently about your relationship or marriage?

(List any hopes, goals, or new intentions inspired by the movie.)

Take your time. Listen gently. Affirm each other’s thoughts. Enjoy discovering something new about your partner.