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After getting married the first conflict that I had was 3 days into the honeymoon. Yup, just 3 days. But there we were fighting over whether to stop and ask for directions. I can't make this stuff up! Before the smartphone era, this is a fight most couples had. I wanted to stop and ask for directions to a nice restaurant and my new husband insisted that the gas station attendant wouldn't give a good recommendation. Most likely we were both right. We didn't stop to ask and so we will never know. And that dinner at Golden Corral is still a humbling story we tell today. We went a few rounds to try and persuade each other that we were right. We weren't careful with our words. Our pride took over and we both thought we were right and didn't want to give in. We didn't stop to wonder WHY we were fighting over this or what it might really be all about for us. But it did ruin the evening, and that was too bad. LOVE as a Conflict Skill Four principles help build up your conflict skills so you can be a master at conflicts. L stands for Listen. If either of us had said "Ok, ok. Tell me what you think about getting directions and this dinner. Let me hear what you are thinking" we could have avoided some pain. When you notice conflict has started up- the skill at being able to listen to your partner's point of view without insisting on sharing your own ideas. That's a relationship master. This skill can be learned with practice. Listening is a skill and anyone can learn it. O stands for Observe. In the middle of a conflict, it's really easy for the "fog of war" to settle in. The fog of war is a very real phenomenon when conflict is underway. The defenses go up. The offenses go out like porcupine quills in attack formation. The relationship skill to develop is to be like a general at the top of a mountain who can observe what is going on. Stop for a second. Perhaps you could say "Give me a second here. I feel like I'm losing perspective and I don't want to fight. I think I am observing our defenses are up and we aren't in a good place. Do you see that too?" If you are excellent at conflict you can repeatedly check-in and observe the conversation. Is the conflict escalating? Then you might need to take a break, or cease-fire, so you can let your defenses down and remember you do love each other. Is the conflict de-escalating and moving towards a truce? Congratulate yourselves! That is terrific! V stands for Value your Mate. There is a Proverb (31:10) that says if you find a wife (applies to husbands too) of good character, that is worth more than rubies or jewels. You might remember back when you found your mate, out of all the people in the world. He/she was worthy. You saw all the good traits and how good your partner is. In the middle of conflict, couples often cease to treat each other as valuable. You might have a conversation (not during a conversation, but over a nice dinner) about what can communicate value and great-worth to each other. Valuing and refusing to de-value each other during conflict is an important relationship skill. If this is very difficult for you then some skill-building in distress tolerance and being a non-anxious presence in stressful situations may be helpful to you. E stands for Evaluate the underlying relationship interests. Everyone has underlying relationship interests that are playing out during conflicts and are often outside of our awareness. Underneath those conflicts are often unrecognized and unexplored relationship needs. If they can be brought into awareness and shared vulnerably the conflict can turn into a moment to strengthen your bond. The five relationships needs we describe are: Connection: To feel attached, connected, and seen by people we are in a relationship with. Autonomy: To make decisions for ourselves and be trusted that our decisions are good. Security: To have a sense of safety, and that basic needs like food, shelter, safety and care will be met. Significance: The life we are living, and our purpose in it, are important and significant. I matter to you. Growth: That life is moving towards growth, relationally, spiritually, psychologically, & personally. We describe 5 essential relationship interests in the Blog post on Relationship Needs. Read more about it here. This intervention is part of the conflict resolution skills unit within Hope Focused Couple Counseling. Hope Focused Counseling Intake and Feedback/ Conceptualization Stabilization of conflict cycles (if needed) Increasing bond by exploring patterns Increasing bond by communication and conflict resolution skill building Increasing bond by repair, forgiving and reconciling Consolidating gains and planning for long-term future by Dr. Jennifer Ripley, Ph.D., Regent University Hughes Professor of Psychology and Co-Director of Charis Institute

Repair of a marriage or intimate relationship is one of the most important things you can learn for long-term happiness. You can feel the tension between you. You know that an offense has happened and you would really like to repair things and get back to a loving, positive relationship. You hope that repair and forgiveness can happen soon between you. How ? Conflict Conflict is normal in any close relationship, especially ones where you expect to have some of your needs met. Perhaps your partner isn't affectionate as you need them to be. Or perhaps they can be a little self-focused and forget about you when they are at work or with their friends. Conflicts between individual needs vs. partner needs are common. And sometimes a partner just has a bad day, and words are said, and defenses go up. Conflict. Even the best relationships will sometimes have harsh words against each other yelling ignoring each other gossip against each other use up communal resources for one person Repair Attempts There is some research on the importance of repair attempts in relationships. Gottman studied couples in his love lab and was able to find attempts at repair as a sign of healthy couples. Repair attempts can be many things, including an apology saying "I'm tired of fighting, can we return to normal?" giving a gift doing a chore for the other person affection returning to kind words and positive way of relating Some repair attempts are clear- with the person saying they don't like the conflict and want to make things right. Many times there are minor tiffs and conflicts, and then one person will make a repair attempt without stating that is what they are doing. How to Make a Great Repair Attempt Observe what is really going on. Are there underlying needs that help you observe and understand the conflict. Even if you don't fully understand, it is helpful to try and understand why you and your partner are at-odds with each other. Pick the right TIME to attempt a repair. If either of you are still overwhelmed with emotions, then you might need to cool down first. Sometimes a good break, meal, or even overnight sleep can help cool down and be ready to repair. You can just ask your mate, are you ready to try and repair this yet or need some more time? Accept their answer. Offer an Apology for your part. A clear direct apology, without explaining the reasons you hurt your partner. Just say "I'm sorry I hurt you. I should not have said those things to you" Reasons can be helpful, but not always. If your partner is ready to hear the reasons why you hurt them, you can offer up your reasons. Reasons can be things like being tired, stressed out, feeling sick or hungry, or getting too focused on yourself and not considerate of each other. But offering up reasons before your partner wants to hear them is usually heard as excuse-making. See how this comes across to you: A. I'm so sorry I said those terrible things to you. I shouldn't have said that. B. I'm so sorry I said those terrible things to you. I was tired, and cranky, and hungry, and my boss got on my case today at work about nothing. It was a terrible day for me. Would you rather hear A or B from your mate? Most everyone says A. That is taking full responsibility. Explaining reasons often comes across as excuse-making. 5. Offer up generous relevant restitution. In a relationship, balancing things and doing your best to be a blessing and a resource to your partner is important. If you said mean words, then offer up some kind and loving words to compensate. If you ignored your partner, make a plan for a good date together. If you gossiped about him with a friend, say you will tell your friend you were wrong and repair that relationship. Any kind of restitution is helpful, but restitution that is generous, and relevant to the offense is best. Forgiveness can happen during or after a repair attempt in a relationship.