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Written by Sarah Haught, M.A., Hope Focused Certified Therapist and Member of the Society for Christian Accommodated Treatments and Programs at Regent University There is considerable research that has developed to show that positive prayer for your partner has effects both relationally and spiritually. For those that use Lectio Divina in their prayer walk, this post gives ideas on how to focus your prayer on your relationship. Lectio Divina for Couples You may have wondered - Lectio Divina? What does that mean? And how does it apply to my marriage relationship? These are all good questions we will explore further in the next few moments. Lectio Divina literally translates to “divine reading” and refers to a Christian practice of contemplation and reflection that began in monastic communities. This practice considers how prayerfully and slowly reading scripture offers a unique opportunity to experience God’s presence and seek guidance from the Holy Spirit as you intentionally dwell in scripture. While individuals may engage in this practice in their own quiet devotional time, utilizing it may be a beneficial habit for Christian couples to implement as they seek to draw near to God and honor Him with their marriage. In this way, Lectio Divina allows partners to strengthen communion with God and knowledge of His word individually and seek His presence together through shared reflection practice. Selecting a Passage As you think about passages you might like to reflect on together, some might immediately come to mind. Perhaps a certain verse has stood out to you recently, or maybe you have a special scripture that has provided comfort and encouragement throughout your message. If you cannot think of a particular passage, that’s alright! We have a few ideas listed below: Genesis 1:27-28 - “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” Romans 12:1-2 - “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” James 1: 22-25 - “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.” Ephesians 4: 32 - “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” I Corinthians 13: 4-7 - “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Matthew 6:33-34 - “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Beginning Your Lectio Divina: 1. Prepare (Silencio): Once you have selected a scripture, quiet your heart, placing yourself in God’s presence. Offer this time to God. 2. Read Slowly (Lectio): Slowly read the passage out loud. Perhaps you would like to alternate, taking turns with your partner. Allow the words to settle and resonate in your heart. After a pause, re-read the passage out loud. Repeat this reading silently or aloud as often as you and your partner feel led, listening for the word or phrase that catches your attention and your heart. This phrase may be the same for you and your partner, or it may be different. You may take a moment to share with one another about what stands out to you. When you have a sense of that word or phrase, you may return your attention and continue reflecting together, seeking God’s presence. 3. Reflect (Meditatio): Take time to sit together with the word or phrase that caught your attention. Re-read the passage if it feels right, stopping at that word or phrase again to slowly drink it in. Perhaps repeating the word or phrase quietly or silently feels right. Perhaps entering the passage’s biblical scene in your imagination seems appropriate. Ask God to lead you as you explore this phrase at a heart level. 4. Pray (Oratio): Talk to the Lord about the phrase He has highlighted and what’s coming up. You and your partner may alternate praying aloud together. Journaling might be useful to you as well. How is God addressing you in this Word and inviting you to respond? Allow the Word to guide you into a prayerful response. 5. Rest (Contemplatio): Rest in God’s presence together. Receive God’s word deeply and rest in His presence and rich love. Allow yourselves time to wait and be still before you re-enter life as usual. Stay with the Lord until you feel prompted

Many Christian individuals may invest in deepening their relationship with God by cultivating a practice of praying for His wisdom and guidance each day. Many scriptures also point believers to prayer and emphasize that prayer is effective and powerful: ● Philippians 4:6 - “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” ● James 5:16 - “...The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” Christians may also intentionally pray about the hope of future relationships and their future partner's well-being before meeting. However, once you meet your life partner…how do you transition from praying for your spouse to praying with your spouse? The Daily Prayer of Examen might help. And it's not just for Catholic or Orthodox believers. Many different branches of Christianity use the Prayer of Examen . The Daily Prayer of Examen was established by St. Ignatius of Loyola, a Spanish theologian who emphasized spiritual techniques for reflection. According to the Ignatian Spirituality website, the Daily Prayer of Examen was designed to be “...a prayerful reflection on the events of the day to detect God’s presence and discern his direction for us.” Historically, this prayerful practice is completed alone, but it may offer several relational and spiritual benefits to Christian couples as they slow down to: 1. Become aware of God’s presence. 2. Pay attention to their emotions. 3. Seek God’s wisdom and guidance moving forward. You are invited to explore this practice together and reflect on the experience. Daily Prayer of Examen for Couples 1. Ask God to be with you and your partner during this 10-minute practice, recognizing He is active and present in this moment and in your relationship and thanking Him for His perfect, enduring love. Take a moment to thank Him for how He has worked in Your relationship today or over the course of your relationship. 2. Ask for God’s grace in your relationship, praying that He will reveal Himself to both of you in today’s hopes and fears. 3. Reflect on your thoughts about the day ahead of you or perhaps the day behind you: a. Fears: Today, what are we afraid of, God? What do we believe we are indanger of? What are you revealing to us in this experience? b. Attachments: Today, what are we clinging to, God? How does this affect our relationship with one another and our relationship with you? What are we afraid of surrendering to You and sharing with You? What are You revealing to us in this experience? c. Control: Today, what are we trying to control in our relationship, God? What are we scared of losing power over in our relationship? What are you revealing to us in this experience? d. Entitlements: What do we believe we are entitled to, God? What are we demanding from You? What are you revealing to us in this experience? 4. As a couple, place these four areas—“fears,” “attachments,” “control,” and “entitlements”—in God’s loving hands, asking him to take control of them. Ask Him to do with them what He wishes in this very moment, helping You to accept and trust in His perfect plan for your relationship. 5. Perhaps you would each like to end with a silent prayer to God or pray aloud together as you finish reflecting in His presence. How to Use This in Restoration as a Couple in Therapy ● This is best used by those who have exposure to the Examen already. If not, it's good to learn more about it first before using as a Couple. Make sure it's something that fits your faith, and your church teaching. ● Discuss scriptures that mention prayer and inquire whether the couple integrates their faith by praying together or if they would be comfortable doing this. ● Read through the five prompts of the Daily Prayer of Examen for Couples. ● Once completing the practice, ask what the experience was like. Reflect on the thoughts and feelings that came to mind as you reflected on your day before God. ● You may enjoy starting the day with this prayer or closing the day with the prayer. ● You can practice this prayer 1 to 3 times between sessions, sharing about the experience with your therapist. Schedule at least one time on the calendar. Discuss any obstacles that might hinder your shared practice. ● You can read through the prompts aloud together as you reflect, taking turns, or can each choose to read silently. Perhaps it would be helpful to set a timer to signal when they would like to end the reflection and share insights with one another. References: Adapted from a 2024 Prayer of Examen created by Dr. Fernando Garzon which included the following references: Adapted from Knabb, J., Vazquez, V., Pate, R., Garzon, F., Wang, K. (2020). Christian meditation for trauma-based rumination: A four week program, p. 31-34. Unpublished research protocol. This five-step “Daily Examen” is adapted from https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen ; Thibodeaux (2015); Colombiere (1982); Aschenbrenner (2007). Adapted from: https://katzieandben.com/daily-examen-for-couples/  and https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen/

Written by Sarah Haught, M.A., Hope Focused Certified Therapist Many couples have experienced moments when they felt their partner didn't understand them or wished for more emotional support. Similarly, couples can recall times when they couldn't comprehend why their partner was upset. Perhaps you've also been in situations where you felt overwhelmed by your partner's distress and wanted to provide support or find a solution. Alternatively, you may have felt powerless and uncertain about how to help your partner, leading you to avoid or withdraw from such situations. We would like to suggest that a scene from a well-known fan-favorite movie, Forrest Gump , can offer a better solution for how you can react to your partner when they are experiencing stress or expressing painful emotions. In this portion of the movie, Forrest walks with his childhood best friend, Jenny. As they walk, her cheerful expression and lighthearted demeanor immediately fade away when they come across her childhood home. In earlier scenes, the audience learns that Jenny had an alcoholic and abusive father who mistreated her and her sisters as children, which eventually resulted in her moving in with a different relative. The duo’s conversation quiets. Jenny walks toward the house and starts throwing rocks at it in tears and frustration until she falls down to the muddy ground, soiling her white skirt. Forrest watches Jenny in her desperation. Rather than running away from Jenny or bombarding her with questions in an attempt to figure out how to make her feel better, Forrest gently sits down in the dirt beside Jenny. The audience hears his simple reflection voiced over the scene: “Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough rocks.” What a powerful scene. It offers important insights for couples who might struggle to extend empathy and remain present in times when their partner is in distress. The heart of empathy is not forcing change or avoiding situations in fear - just as Forrest exemplified, it can be extended through simply being with your partner as a stable, gentle presence. Couple Reflection Questions When have been times when you have shown your partner empathy? What are examples of times that you wish you would have received an empathetic response? What are the obstacles to expressing empathy? What has it meant to you when someone has extended empathy? What would you perceive as an empathetic response? (What would your partner’s tone be? Would you prefer silence or conversation? Solutions or a listening ear? Or would you simply prefer a gentle presence?)

You started this relationship with "yes" Will you go out with me on a date? Yes Can we be exclusive in our relationship? Yes Will you marry me? Yes But we can't always say "yes, I agree" in our relationships. Each person is their own individual, as well as part of your relationship. This creates a natural tension or conflicts in predictable ways. "I want to save money, but I know she wants to spend some more." "He loves to take tropical vacations on beaches, but I miss my family and want to see them." "She wants to prioritize her work this year to get a promotion, but I wish she was more available and I'm tired of the extra chores this creates for me." "I'm a Republican but you are a Democrat!" Research indicates that all couples have tensions and differences that they had when they started their relationship, and they are likely to have when they shuffle off the mortal coil. It might be simple things like differences on how money should be spent, or vacation destinations. It can be difficult things like psychological problems, parenting differences, or core values differences. One of the most surprising findings in relationship research in the last few decades is how master happy couples disagree on so many things, even important things, and yet find their relationship is happy. How do they do it? Accept your partner, like you do your siblings and friends. You likely have friends and family members who you disagree with on a variety of things. You might have different values, beliefs, and ideas about what is good, beautiful and true. Rarely do you get highly distressed when those people are different from you. But partners can feel a strain on their bond when they disagree. If you frequently feel distressed over differences in your relationship, you might consider if you can use the same strategies you use with family and friends who are different. There is a TV couple that embodies this acceptance: Vince and Sharon on Fire Country often disagree, but always find acceptance. A Youtube video of their relationship Here's the exercise for this: Name the thing that is different between the two of you. Define it together. In what way are you different. Now think of everyone you know in your friends, family, TV personalities, celebrities, or coworkers that you know are like your partner. List them. When you feel the anxiety of being different- look at your list. 2. Differentiation is better than Enmeshment. Differentiation is an idea from family systems theory (fortunately it doesn't involve Calculus if you were thinking it was a differential equation.. thankfully!). A healthy relationship is one characterized by this: "I am not you, but I am for you" Differentiation is the ability to be true to who you are, but also close to someone else who is different than you, without anxiety. In constrast, enmeshment feels a threat to the relationship bond if there is a difference. This makes for a long-term struggle since no two people are like. In fact, people often pick a mate who "completes them" which means that they are quite different from you. The concept of differentiation has changed many lives. Interested in learning more? Jerry Wise is a therapist who has created a series of videos on the topic of anxiety and differentiation 3. Practice Gratitude for the Differences Many people practice gratitude regularly, whether or not you are spiritual or religious. You can be grateful to God, to your partner, or just plain grateful. One way to take some of the anxiety out of your differences is to put them into the gratitude category. Work a little to find what about that difference you appreciate. For example: My partner likes to spend money & not alway save. I appreciate just enjoying life and spending some of our money helps us enjoy our life. My partner likes to visit family on holidays. I am glad family is important to her. After all I am also part of her family. My partner is prioritizing work to get a promotion. I appreciate the drive, ambition, and talent that this represents. I would appreciate the promotion income for us, and the sense of accomplishment this would provide for my partner. Sometimes clients tell me that a thing has nothing to be grateful about. While that is true for some things (e.g., hyper-defensive tendencies, lying, drug habits, etc.), there are still other things about your partner to be grateful for. Even the worst of things like a bad drug habit, might have some connection to being fun-loving. So you might say 'While I love that your are fun-loving, I am frightened by your drug habit." That doesn't mean you won't have to separate, or put up strong boundaries around the drug habit too in order to achieve as much relational health as possible. Discuss these practices in your counseling session. What are you resisting accepting about your partner? What anxieties are driving that un-acceptance? What are the consequences in your relationship of lack of acceptance?

Understand your relationship, and it's history, using Bob Sternberg's triangular theory of love which creates 8 different types of relationships. What are the 8 types of relationships? Infatuation: Most relationships start out high in passion, but low in intimacy and low in commitment. This infatuation would be characterized by high emotional connection around attraction. You can hardly stop thinking about the person. You can't believe you found him or her! Liking: The relationship that is high in intimacy, but low in passion and commitment is the "Liking" relationship. Many good relationships have started out this way- first as friends and then develop passion and commitment later. Liking is the makings of most every good rom-com movie! Empty love: Those that are high commitment, but low in passion and intimacy would be in an empty relationship. This couple is faithful to their commitments but they may have lost their friendship and spark. They would be faithful in their commitments such as raising children together, caring for family members, maintaining their home, and financial resources. Most long-term relationships spend some time in empty love and need to re-ignite the liking and passion. Romantic love: Although it may appear perfect, this type of relationship involves a couple with passion and friendship, yet they have not made a formal commitment to each other. Some individuals claim to be committed in a relationship, but in reality, they are simply dating exclusively. True commitment entails sharing responsibilities such as a common residence, finances, and family obligations. In many relationships, it is premature to have such commitments, as they are typically reserved for romantic love relationships. Fatuous love: This relationship is high in passion and commitment, but not much intimacy or friendship. This is an unusual relationship in Western culture. This couple has shared commitments, and they have passion, but they don't engage in friendship-type activities or conversations with each other. Some couples work well with this type of relationship. Companionate love: This couple is very common in long-term relationships. The couple have a good friendship, and they have shared commitments to each other, but their passion is low. Some couples may want to spark the passion in their relationship to move into the final category below. Mature love: This couple has it all- passion, intimacy, and shared commitment. Most couples have this as a goal, but not everyone wants this kind of relationship and few couples can stay in this category for the long-term but likely move in and out of this as the relationship ebbs and flows. Intervention: Map the Triangular History of Your Relationship. You might find it helpful to map the history of your relationship as a couple. How did you start, and where were you both in key times in your history? This can open up what aspect of your relationship is most important to you at this phase of your relationship. A good curious and supportive conversation about the triangular theory can be eye-opening and helpful to couples who are creating long-term healhthy relationships. Image credit: The artist behind the image above is L. Ripley, also featured in the book "Hope, Forgiveness, and Positive Psychology in Couple Therapy" by Worthington & Ripley (2024), published by Routledge Publishing.

Couple conflict is a circular pattern, and knowing how to stop the negative cycle is the key to a happy and healthy relationship You likely noticed that when you get into an argument with your mate, things can escalate QUICKLY. You might say: What do you want for dinner? Mate: I don't care, just not Italian or Mexican, and something healthy. You (miffed at that!): Are you kidding? I'm not a restaurant you know. Mate (defensive): I never said you are a restaurant. You asked me what I wanted. You (offended at the defense): You should have known I wasn't going to make some complex gourmet dinner. You always do this- I can never make you happy! Mate (offended at that defense): What the heck! I said I don't care! Now I don't even want dinner. I'm going out. Well.. that didn't go so well, did it? This couple is caught in negative reciprocity. What is negative reciprocity? Partners can find themselves stuck in a negative cycle where one person's negativity triggers a similar response from their spouse, leading to an escalation of negativity from both sides. This results in a situation where both partners are experiencing pain and hurt due to the negative interactions. There is considerable research in the fields of communication and psychology that show once one person in a relationship goes negative, the other person tends to follow right down that rabbit hole. Cordova et al. (1993) found that negative reciprocity can explain quick conflict, or even hostility and aggressive interactions. It 's almost like we can't help ourselves. Even perceived hostility tends to be followed by more hostile words or actions. How do you recognize negative reciprocity? Sometimes couples are well into a fight before they recognize that they have been caught by the negative cycle. The argument tends to cloud and reduce our ability to stop and consider what do I really want or need right now. It can be helpful to review, either on your own or with a therapist, the last time that things went awry for you. What were the earliest clues? Did you notice vocal tension respond more negatively than is needed feel helpless, alone, or offended closed body posture elevated voice tone What can we do? While every couple is unique, there are various small and significant ways to break the cycle. Initially, it's important to recognize that your partner is not your adversary and is not intentionally trying to harm you overall (unless they are abusive, in which case please reach out to the domestic violence hotline ). Next, consider if you aspire to be someone who demonstrates wisdom during challenging times and knows how to act. What steps can you take? What might work for you? humor, as long as it's not critical of your partner getting angry at getting fooled by the cycle, instead of anger at your partner prayer or meditation saying something positive about your partner stating your intent to be kind and not harm each other asking to redirect the conversation to something more helpful asking for some time to cool down, so you don't say something you'll regret These usually take intentional practice so you might write down the strategies you want to try out on the mirror in your bathroom, nightstand, refrigerator, or other locations you tend to find yourself when tensions arise. After the cycle stops: Don't forget to repair the damage Every couple gets caught in a negative cycle sometimes. The "what's for dinner" conversation-turned-argument happens to almost everyone. So give yourself some grace. You are only human. Apologies and forgiveness can be helpful if either of you were offended when caught in the negative cycle. It's important to create a habit of apologizing for your part of the negativity in that cauldron and offer forgiveness. A Great Podcast on Negative Cycles This podcast by Foreplay Radio with sex therapist Dr. Laurie Watson and couple therapist George Faller, LMFT, offers a frank and memorable way to "F*%K the Cycle". Click on the logo below to listen on Spotify. I hope you enjoy it.

The Four-Part Forgiveness Method for Couples by Jennifer Ripley, Ph.D., Psychologist, Professor I’ve done a lot of clinical work with couples working on forgiveness.  Some of them have had enormous, heartbreaking offenses of manipulation, control, aggression or infidelity. Some have had many small offenses of slights, ignoring, criticisms and stonewalling.  Whether the offenses are large or small, single-offense or repeated offenses, it’s never easy. But there comes a point in couple counseling process when the communication has improved some, when past relationships have been explored, and conflict patterns have been illuminated. The couple knows what to do, but there are still negative (even toxic) feelings.  They need to release those negative feelings but are having a hard time. When the anger, frustration, embarrassment, and struggles from the past are hanging on, it’s time to work on forgiveness.  Whether you are a therapist who wants to help a couple with forgiveness, or a couple trying to work through forgiveness yourself. People often want to forgive, but HOW? 1. Identify Four Forgiveness Scenarios Identify four things that need forgiveness in your life. One of them should be outside of your relationship with your partner, and three inside the relationship.  Note that if you have a traumatic/ severe offense (e.g., domestic violence, infidelity) you likely will need more help and time than this exercise will offer.  These four offenses will be targets to help learning how to forgive, so pick things you think you could make progress on. Example:  a) I still have some angry/sad feelings about my former coworker who undercut me at work; b) my spouse not being responsive when I was sick; c) my spouse used curse words at me in a fight last month; d) my spouse was indifferent to me when I was crying in our fight last month. If you are doing this together in couple counseling, or working on it together then give each other the list of four thing.  Each partner has “veto power” over what things to work on together. 2. Learn the REACH model of forgiveness. Forgiveness is something scientists and psychologists have learned a LOT about. Dr. Everett Worthington, Ph.D, Virginia Commonwealth University, is a leading expert on the topic. You can read more about his REACH model of forgiveness HERE; Or hear Dr. Worthington (the founder) teach on the REACH model HERE Or read one of Dr. Worthington’s books on the REACH model HERE Importantly REACH stands for R= Remember the hurt in a new and different way. E= Empathy for the other person, in this case for your partner who got into a place where they hurt the person they love. A= Altruistic Gift of forgiveness for your partner. Ponder how everyone needs forgiveness sometimes, including yourself and how meaningful it is to give and receive forgiveness in a love relationship. C= Commit to forgiveness.  Even if not ready for full forgiveness yet, but to work towards forgiveness and releasing the emotional offense. H= Hold onto forgiveness, once given and received with careful interactions and protection of the work of forgiveness. Another key concept about forgiveness is emotional vs. decisional forgiveness. Emotional forgiveness is the release of negative emotions replaced with more soft, warm and positive emotions towards the other person. Decisional forgiveness is making a decision to choose peace, not engage in retaliation or withdraw from the relationship. To try and be careful and thoughtful, even if still hurt and feeling pain from the offense. Both types of forgiveness are important. 3. Practice Apologies and Taking Responsibility for Your Part Some couples use apologies well, but many have never been in the habit of apologizing well and taking responsibility for their part of difficult situations. Healthy mature relationships involve taking responsibility for your part, no more but no less either. I am sorry that I did _______________.  I see that it hurt you or caused difficulties for you.  I really don’t want to hurt you. I would like to take responsibility for my part in that difficult situation.  I hope you will be able to accept my apology; if not now, then maybe later. Notice how important it is to make this a “but, of course, normal” part of your lives. You will hurt each other at times. Hard days happen. You are both human. Take responsibility for times when your humanness caused pain, offense, or difficulties for your partner. 4. Work on Forgiveness First, start with the person whom you need to forgive outside of your relationship. Use the REACH Model (this REACH workbook LINK is designed to walk you through it) applied to that offense. Then work on the three offenses within your relationship, one by one. Time spent working on forgiveness is key to finding relief and forward movement in your decisions and emotions. Reflect on What you Learned Do you feel you are practicing and learning HOW to forgive when you need to forgive someone? Do you notice thoughts or emotions that rise up when you work on forgiveness?  Some people struggle with guilt for their own offenses.  If that is you, then you might benefit from working on self-forgiveness (LINK to self-forgiveness workbook). Other people have a hard time admitting they have hurt someone they love. Often there is a sense of self-condemnation and a desire to protect oneself from vulnerability in the relationship. If I admit I did something wrong, will my partner attack me with it? Where do you find that the road of forgiveness gets really hard to keep going? Suppose you find that trust and difficulty believing your partner won’t harm you with apology and forgiveness. In that case, you might also need to work on reconciliation and trust-building between you. Talk with each other, or with your therapist, about the process and experience of forgiveness for you.

Sometimes you need to talk about difficult things. How can you start the conversation in a way that will likely lead to good communication and end with smiles and hugs? There comes a time in every relationship when something has to be discussed that you know isn't going to be easy. You already know that you disagree, or that the topic has led to arguments in the past. But you can't avoid it forever. How to bring up difficult subjects. Is Now a Good Time? Observe the situation- is there external stress right now? Are either of you tired or hungry? Did you just finish a fight or are distant? Picking a good time for hard conversations is important for success. Be patient- most hard conversations aren't solved immediately so things can wait for a good time. Start with Listening When you know the conversation is going to be a difficult one, start by asking your partner their thoughts and feelings about it. Really listen and summarize what you hear to let them know you heard them. Speak the Truth in Love It's important to directly and clearly state your needs or concerns, always couched in love. Be soft in your words but clear. For example you might softly say "I have missed time with you and it bothers me when you spend so much time with your friends. I would really enjoy some one-on-one time" More on speaking the truth in love here. You have different needs When making requests, it's important to remember that neither of you is Santa Claus, the eternal giver who never needs anything. You both have needs and they will be different. Recognize the different needs and help each other understand them before you work towards solutions. Solutions can be Revised Once you understand each other's needs and listen then you might suggest a potential solution. Remember that all solutions are experiments. You will try it, and then most likely revise it to work. And life circumstances may change and need more revisions. Flexibility is key to a successful relationship. This intervention is part of the conflict resolution skills unit within Hope Focused Couple Counseling. Hope Focused Counseling Intake and Feedback/ Conceptualization Stabilization of conflict cycles (if needed) Increasing bond by exploring patterns Increasing bond by communication and conflict resolution skill building Increasing bond by repair, forgiving and reconciling Consolidating gains and planning for long-term future

The relationship you have today is built on your experience of relationships from your past. "I just don't remember ever playing with my dad" says Deshawn in couple counseling. "I mean, my parents were married. And they seemed pretty happy. But he was like an old-school kind of dad. He came home but then did his own thing. He watched a game on TV but never played with me, and never came to my ball games. I just got the feeling like I wasn't important. I think that left in me a real need to feel significant. It's likely why I became a doctor. And when Neece made me feel so important when we started dating, I felt like I was finally home." Deshawn's experience is common. We all have relationship needs in life, and most people experience a gap between what they need and what they receive in relationships. Perhaps the relationship needs started in childhood with a self-absorbed parent like Deshawn experienced. Or perhaps there was a loss, poverty, conflict, or smothering. Adult relationships can affect us too, whether that is pain from past relationships or even traumas. Our experiences shape our underlying needs in life. Understanding our needs from the past is an important part of growth and most couple counseling. This worksheet gives couples a chance to review and consider what areas of relationship needs may have shaped their interpersonal stance. Five Human Needs: Connection, Autonomy, Security, Significance, Growth The worksheet will pose some questions about the five relational needs. All humans have relational needs. You might ask yourself Do you trend towards trying to meet all your needs alone, without any help from your partner? Or do you trend towards trying to get your partner to meet your needs and looking to them too much? This adds another layer to discussing your needs- how do you usually try to get those needs met? Do you make direct, clear and undemanding request for your needs? Or do you tend to never ask for help? Or do you tend to ask for help in a way that it ends up overwhelming your partner? Perhaps you whine, complain, or even criticize your partner in a poor attempt to get your needs met? Approach this exercise with humility. Everyone has unmet needs. Share with your partner a time when your needs were unmet in the past. There's no need to protect your parents, grandparents, or past partners. Honest sharing with humility will create a bond. Protect each other. This conversation should happen in a nest of protection and love. Once you share a vulnerability like this, it makes you further vulnerable to each other. You can respond by protecting your partner's vulnerability which leads to life, love and growth. Criticizing, condemning, or minimizing your partner's vulnerability can be deeply damaging to your relationship. Respect this is their experience and real emotions. In Hope Focused Couple Counseling, we recommend this intervention as part of the exploring patterns module and often paired with a genogram, or discussion of previous marriages/significant relationship experiences. This intervention also flows into the LOVE intervention which you can read more about here. Hope Focused Counseling Intake and Feedback/ Conceptualization Stabilization of conflict cycles (if needed) Increasing bond by exploring patterns Increasing bond by communication and conflict resolution skill building Increasing bond by repair, forgiving and reconciling Consolidating gains and planning for long-term future

A Financial Advisor and Family Psychologist Answer Your Questions The #1 thing that couples avoid talking about or will fight about is finances. by Chris Greenwood & Jen Ripley, Ph.D. Chris Greenwood is a Financial Advisor for Northwestern Mutual. He has built his practice by “Helping bring hope, joy, and peace into people’s financial future one person/family/business at a time.” Christopher P Greenwood is an Insurance Agent of The Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company (NM) (life and disability Insurance, annuities, and life insurance with long-term care benefits) and its subsidiaries in Milwaukee, WI. Investment brokerage services provided as a Registered Representative of Northwestern Mutual Investment Services LLC, a subsidiary of NM, a registered investment adviser, broker-dealer, and member of FINRA and SIPC. Investment advisory and trust services provided as an advisor of The Northwestern Mutual Wealth Management Company, a subsidiary of NM, and a federal savings bank. https://www.northwesternmutual.com/financial/advisor/chris-greenwood/ Jen Ripley, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in couples therapy, directs a training lab in Hope-focused couple counseling, and is Hughes Distinguished Chair at Regent University. Her motto is “Bringing principles and practices in couple counseling and family care to every willing home, helper, and house of worship.” www.hopecouples.com and www.doctorripley.com Chris and Jen and their families have been friends for many years and Chris provides financial planning to Jen’s family. 1. The whole world of finance just seems so foreign to us but for different reasons. I have trouble seeing past the corruption, deception, scams, and lies and my spouse struggles with some of the big words she/he doesn't understand, the endless options we don't know how to choose from, and decisions we don't know how to prioritize. How do we know what to do and who to trust? Chris says: The reality is that the stumbling blocks of financial ickiness, ever-changing options, and the feeling of being lost and/or overwhelmed are extremely common and completely understandable. Thankfully, the answer to this unfortunate reality is not super complicated. A) The great news is you don’t have to be a financial scholar or Google-certified accountant (google searches aren’t everything…Web MD anyone?). You just need to work with a truly comprehensive financial planner who cares enough about you to take the time to walk you through the financial maze of life. B) I could not be more firm in my belief that the only type of financial planner/advisor you should ever work with is one who is unashamedly a fiduciary. Fiduciaries are simply held to the highest moral, ethical, and legal standards in the financial world, and there is no reason not to work with one. Fiduciaries have an obligation to your best interest, while other advisors may not. Jen says: Finances can be a strain within a couple's relationship because it uncovers underlying tensions about resources and can spark competition or power struggles. Who gets to say how shared resources are spent or saved? Some people have a history of hurts where there weren’t enough resources in their family of origin, past or current relationship. If you also feel like you don’t understand financial planning, that adds anxiety to the mix. This can be a real powder keg. It’s no wonder finances are one of the top things couples argue about. It can be good to start by reflecting on your experiences and resources. Do you have a history of poverty or financial strains from your childhood, previous relationships, or this relationship? What is your financial literacy level now? Going into financial discussions, do you sense that you need to defend yourself or feel like you can cooperate as a team? Have the two of you openly shared your individual, couple, and financial goals with each other? 2. I hear the ads on the radio for financial planning, but I also hear that a person needs to make or be worth a certain amount of money. Working with a planner seems like an ok idea but I don't think we qualify. What options are out there for someone like us? Chris says: I was in the same boat for the first two decades of my post-married life. I had no idea that there were options for financial guidance that didn’t come with high thresholds or high price tags. My wife and I struggled to communicate well in the area of finances in large part because I was completely winging it and didn’t want to look foolish in front of her. My lack of knowledge diminished my confidence that I was making the right choice. I cannot speak of many options because many planners are indeed fee, net-worth, or income based. Thankfully, the organization I work with strongly believes that everyone has the right to a free, comprehensive financial plan regardless of social status or economic level. I am honored to provide to others what I never knew was available. Jen says: It can be easy to get caught in the “keeping up with the Jones” mentality about family finances. It’s easy to feel like everyone else has much more money and resources than you do. After all, their Insta profile seems to indicate many expensive hobbies or travel. But you can’t see the debt or poor financial planning others may be living with. As you start to think about your resources, it’s helpful to be honest with yourself and honest with each other. While you may not be able to save millions, you can take care of your future selves and your children if you have them. You are responsible for your own financial future, even if it isn’t a luxury-filled one, it’s still your future. Using an expert planner can be helpful in removing some of the sense of being “less than” others in planning. Be proud of the good decisions you have made, and learn from the poor ones. That’s all that anyone can do in this life. 3. I believe we need to get our own house in order financially before we begin working with a planner. My spouse thinks we need help to get our house in order. It’s causing a lot of tension. What's the right age/stage of life to start working with a financial planner? Chris says: Now. 🙂 That’s the quick answer to the question. The sooner a person/couple/family/business begins working with a comprehensive planner, the better. The equally important answer to the question set up is “Both.” A strong financial plan is going to offer hope, joy, and peace because there is now a pathway forward. With that said, a plan is just a plan unless there are people ready to commit to it. This is a great example of a both/and not an either/or. People ready to get their house in order with a little guidance along the way make the very best of clients because they are motivated to walk out the plan. Jen says: The Harvard negotiation project is a group that provides negotiation services to nations, corporations, and groups. They have a very helpful principle for a couple's disagreement: explore the underlying meaning and true goal of the disagreement. If you want to get your house in order, what is that about? Is autonomy really important? Do you sense that you will be shamed by a planner and want to avoid that experience? Or is it about other things like wanting to have fun as a family with your money instead of saving, which is really about a sense of closeness you find with family fun? Explore what underlying reasons drive you and your partner to want a planner together. Does he feel overwhelmed and fearful about leaving you without adequate life insurance? Is it about a personal sense of showing love and care for your children by saving more and getting help with that? Then the real goal there is demonstrating love through financial planning. If you can find the reason behind the reason, you can often draw closer through the journey, even if you can’t agree on the initial approach. 4. We try to base our decisions on Scripture. Can you make a Biblical case for financial planning or is it something the financial world made up to get people's money? Chris says: Like with many topics, you aren’t going to find terms like financial planning in the words of Scripture. What you are going to find are principles. Without turning this answer into a multi-page essay, I would say absolutely yes. I would suggest taking a strong look at Joseph of the OT. Joseph spent his entire life managing things. Joseph was a planner from running Potiphar’s house, watching over fellow prisoners in the prison, and eventually being the second in power to Pharaoh. If you zero in on the years of abundance and his plan to prepare for the years of famine, you can see with even more detail how the Lord used him to put a plan in place that dealt with food and finances. A lot more could be said, and a lot of other people could be observed in Scripture, from Abraham to Jacob, Daniel to David, and Solomon to Josiah. By observing their lives in the pages of Scripture, you can find many Biblical principles for planning. Jen says: This question makes me wonder what life's most essential and important thing is for you. You might discuss as a couple what planning or financial principles you have adopted from faith. If the most important thing is your faith and the God you follow, then that organizes and orients everything in life. Many people join a community of faith and orient their values, decisions, and plans in congruence with ideas that have undergirded people’s lives for thousands of years. There is something so beautiful about being part of a community of believers who have existed for generations and will exist long after you are gone. I encourage people to learn the time-tested principles of faith: trusting God for provision, the wise use of resources, forgiveness of past decisions in a family, and generosity to those in need. A family that follows these principles for a lifetime, inspired by their faith, will have a good life. 5. I have been "winging it" financially my whole life. I have worked hard, saved some, and used what has been offered to me at my job. Honestly, I’m exhausted, and I keep wondering if I have done enough and if my family will be ok financially. Where do faith and trust come in? Chris says: “Wingers” are my favorite group of people to work with because they desire to do the right things but simply grow exhausted by this thing called life while trying to figure out those right things. One of the unofficial things we teach and model for children at a young age is that you don’t have to, aren’t supposed to, and it’s ok if you don’t figure out everything all on your own. Somewhere along the line, in trying to help people grow up and become independent, we rewrite the above to say: you have to, are supposed to, and it’s not ok unless you figure out everything all on your own. This is garbage. We are designed for relationships and are always better with than without. This applies in both the areas of faith and humanity. Sure, placing your faith and trust in a comprehensive planner can feel like a risky move, but after living for decades as a “winger,” I can tell you winging it is much worse. Jen says: It might be worthwhile to explore for yourself your personality traits and how “winging it” might fit your personal style. Every personality style has two sides, strengths and weaknesses inherent in a trait. For example, an introvert is easily able to get their interpersonal needs met, but they also may isolate themselves too much and not have access to help when they really need it. The same goes for the person who “wings it.” Winging it means you aren’t obsessing and worrying about finances much, which is great. But it also means you might not put enough planning and thought into planning. My experience is that most couples end up with one “winger” and one “planner.” It’s a predictable phenomenon in a family system that opposite-trait-matchup usually happens. So, if your partner is more of a planner, you can use each other’s strengths to make balanced decisions as a team. If you are both wingers or the winging partner tends to make financial decisions, you might especially want a planner. Wise people seek experts in life- medical decisions, education, home repair, couple counseling, and financial planning. 6. I am a saver, and my partner is a spender. We are really different in how we manage our money, and it often ends up being a fight. What kinds of things might help us come together and resolve our different financial ideas? Chris says: Having a trusted, neutral third party is definitely a solid option. Almost all of my couple clients find themselves with vastly different financial personalities. Being present in the moment to hear both sides give voice to their ideas and concerns gives each the chance to be heard. Sharing those ideas and concerns with a neutral outsider allows each to remain open to a pathway forward that may or may not be their personality preference. The other idea I often suggest is to not fall under the tyranny of the urgent. Most bad financial decisions are bad because they were also quick. A comprehensive plan eliminates tons of the seemingly urgent because a plan inherently prepares. Jen says: Fights are really hard. They can be painful. And they also are illuminating events in a couple. They illuminate something that is happening under the surface. Have you processed the fight yet to illuminate what is under the surface? There is something called the Zeigarnik effect in couple conflict. The Zeigarnik is named after a psychologist observing wait staff and their memories. They were able to remember many orders until they were filled, and then quickly forgot the order. This applies to couples too- we remember an unfinished and unprocessed argument. Perhaps you have had this phenomenon where after a fight is resolved you forget what it was all about to begin with. That’s the Zeigarnik effect. It’s important to kindly listen and curiously understand what the fight is about for each of you. A financial planner can help you with making good decisions from an outside perspective. If arguments persist beyond finances or are really distressing, some couple’s counseling can help you with the processing. 7. We would really like to instill values of good financial responsibility to our children. What would you recommend we do to teach our children? Chris says: Invite them into your financial world and decision-making thought process. Far too often, myself included, we seek to insulate those we love from the financial world and its chaotic pull. I am not saying you should share everything with your children…what I’m saying is don’t live like finances aren’t a thing to be addressed. Where age and situation allow, take the time to explain the why and how comes of a financial decision. Why do you drive past five gas stations before stopping to get gas? Is it just because it’s cheaper, or do the ripples of the gas price spread out further? What does cheaper mean? Why does a 5-cent difference matter? How does the price of gas affect other expenses in your budget? Grocery shopping, buying new clothes, water and power bills, and so on. These are daily or at least monthly opportunities to invite your children into the financial world while you can shepherd their understanding. Jen says: Chris is so right here- many values like responsibility are more caught than taught. Children watch what we do and “catch on” to what is important by what we do, more than what we say. Part of what therapy offers is a chance to explore the (often unexplored) underlying assumptions they live with. Common problematic assumptions are “It’s all or nothing for this decision,” “I am not important enough to plan for the future,” “I need to fight to get my way,” or “I can’t trust experts to take care of me.” Looking with clarity at ideas like that can help illuminate it and change our underlying attitudes. When our children become teens, one of the difficult things for most of us is that they see the inconsistencies really well and point them out to us. That can be really painful! But it’s also an opportunity to listen to the immature but perceptive observations of the young ones in the family. There’s an opportunity there to listen and help teens understand and grow. It’s great that you have a mindset to train children to be good financial decision-makers! Keep up the good values parents! 8. I love her/ him, but the spending is out of control! I've been lied to and trust is broken. I can't take it anymore. I'm so afraid that being married is going to ruin my own financial future too. Chris says: Honestly, this is outside the scope of a financial, so I am shooting from the hip a bit here. If I were meeting with a couple where one of the spouses told me the above information, I would suggest we pause financial planning until they had had the time to work with a marriage counselor and/or faith leader. It would seem a logical answer would be to separate the finances, and each person manages their own money. However, while I can’t prove this with overwhelming data, I can say that many of my peers have seen a similar trend in their practices. It’s actually quite startling in its truth. Ready? The only couples who have gotten a divorce while working with the financial planners. I know are couples with their finances separated. Read that sentence again. I have peers with hundreds and hundreds of clients, and not a single couple they work with who have joint/merged finances has ever divorced in the planning process. Does it mean that if you have separate finances you are going to definitely get a divorce. Not at all. It simply illustrates that having your finances merged seems to provide a measure of protection against divorce. For what it’s worth, it seems clear to me that separating the finances is not the answer. Jen says: This sounds like a real cry for help. There has been a major rift in the trust in the relationship. Perhaps there is an underlying problem like ADHD, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or a gambling problem? Psychological problems can cause spending problems. Perhaps spending has been a long-standing problem prior to your relationship and is a way of self-soothing from trauma or depression. I would want to ask for help with the problem from the triple threat: a physician to check for medical needs (Lord forbid it’s an organic brain functioning problem that is missed), a psychologist for emotions, cognitive and behavioral change, and a minister to connect to the divine and provide the long-term care a minister can provide your family. If your partner isn’t willing to get help for this, seek help yourself on how to manage the everyday complex decisions like what to do with finances. Many couples with gambling, substance abuse, or chronic mental illness do have to keep finances protected for both partners’ sake. Keeping things together is ideal- and most couples should build trustworthy behaviors so they can do that. But if you are living with a chronic spending problem now, then making thoughtful and wise decisions to protect that person from their decisions harming others around them may be needed. 8. We are getting married and getting all kinds of advice on whether or not we should blend our finances, share all expenses, or leave some of our money separate. What do you recommend? Jen says: Great question for a new couple to ask themselves. For most couples, especially going into a young first marriage combining finances as much as possible is protective of the relationship. As Chris observed earlier, the decision to keep separate finances often reflects a lack of trust or self-focus that will erode a family over time. Building a long life together involves deep trust, including financial responsibility. There are exceptions to this, including people marrying late in life with family trusts to manage or step-families needing to use portions of their money for child support and care. In those cases, the decision to separate some or most funds is to protect children and their needs. If you are outside of those situations, then finances and financial planning is a great way to learn the essential goal of blending a life together: to kindly put aside your own needs for the sake of the family. Right now, that might just be the two of you, but most couples end up having children. The decisions you make now on how to manage your finances reverberate into your children's lives- their opportunities as they grow, their college, or their launching into adulthood. Small decisions now, like saving for college, retirement, and life insurance, express love for your future family. There is a line in the musical Hamilton that applies to this “I may not live to see our glory. But I will gladly join the fight. And when our children tell the story, they will tell the story of tonight.” That legacy can be responsible financial planning throughout your lives together. The decision to prioritize them will deeply bless the future in wisdom, even if your finances are quite modest.

Dr. Jen and her daughter enjoying a humane elephant park in Thailand It was a trip of a lifetime! My daughter and I went to Thailand together as she was headed there to teach in an international school for a couple of months. We spent a day at a (humane) elephant park feeding the elephants and just enjoying their presence. The elephants LOVE the guests- we bring them yummy food every day! They had lots of good care- medical care, a giant park to freely roam for miles, a river to bathe in as much as they wanted, and so much sugar cane! And no one was riding them and making them do anything they didn't want to do. A good life for an elephant! Brains are like an Elephant and Rider There is a metaphor for our brains called the Elephant and the Rider (credit to Jonathan Haidt). It goes like this: Your brain is like an Elephant and Rider. The biggest part of your brain is an elephant- it is driven by basic needs like food, sleep, safety, security, and attachment. The elephant part of the brain is not logical. Tired and Stressed Elephants are Tough to Handle! Perhaps you notice when you are tired, hungry, alone, and in an insecure situation that you will find yourself acting illogically. You get anxious, when you know you don't need to be anxious really- that won't help. But you are anxious anyway! Or you find yourself withdrawing and isolating in that situation to try and cope with the stress of it. Stressed-out, tired, hungry, insecure elephants are not good! I would not want to even try and feed a stressed-out elephant but just drop the sugar cane on the ground and get WAY out of their way. Research on our Brain: We are More Elephant than we Like to Think It has been remarkable all the research that has investigated the dual-processing model of brain processing- you would be amazed! The basic idea is that we have a "low road" of processing information and making decisions that is fast, intuitive, and driven by our more low-level needs. The "high road" is more deliberate, slow, and complex in the way it thinks. The low road is like an elephant, while the high road is like the rider on the elephant. The low road is primarily governed by the brainstem and amygdala (middle of the brain that processes a lot of emotions), while the high road is governed by the frontal lobe in the top /front of our brain. The elephant-brain drives are really powerful! It is a good idea not to underestimate it, just like the elephants at the park. Even if our elephant brain is happy, and well-cared for, it is a little "wild" and always ready to fight, run, or ruminate with worry, or snap words at someone. Poke the elephant the right way- you will get a very upset elephant!! Five ways to take care of your elephant brain? Self Care. Psychologists and counselors are always talking about self-care! Why do they do that? They know your elephant brain needs to receive signals and signs that you are healthy, safe, secure, and well-cared for, like the elephants in the Thai elephant park. Give yourself considerable grace if you are going through a difficult time: a health problem, grief, traumatic experiences, insecure finances, unsafe home situations, or insecurity in your marriage/ relationship. All of these things are scary to the elephant - and can lead to fight flight, worry, or isolation. It takes good habits of self-care to get us through the hard days. Relationship-bond. In your marriage/ relationship, it is important to have times of warm, encouraging, bonding times together. This can be done through a good date, a nice conversation, helping with a task, or good sex. Perhaps you have heard of love languages? Those give us good ideas of how to maintain a healthy bond. Spiritual growth. Positive spiritual practices like prayer, meditation, meeting with encouraging people who care about you, or worship are great for our elephant brain. All of these activities bring a sense of connection with the divine and with others, and this is especially encouraging to our whole brain. Service to others. Ever notice when you choose to do some altruistic act towards someone else that you feel really great? It's because our animal brain is really excited about altruism! Altruism can be things like forgiving someone, saying encouraging words, or bringing some yummy treat to them. It's important not to overdo it with time in service to others- you can get more tired from this. But a good dose of altruism is great for our elephant brain! Gratitude. One of the best areas of positive psychology research is gratitude research. Gratitude is very positive for the human brain, especially when practiced regularly. Whether you stop once a week to be grateful, or count your blessings before you sleep, or say words of gratitude to people in your life, all of these are ways to bond with others and soothe the elephant brain. The real trick to change is clear from the research on the elephant brain: You need to Make clear decisions on what you want to do to care for your brain. Something like "I will do a weekly gratitude journal on Sunday mornings as part of my spiritual practices" Stop and consider what emotional experience and needs this will meet for you. What does it mean to you? Then consider what will get in your way of this goal? You want to make it possible to do this new activity in a way that is "downhill" and not an uphill climb. If you tend to be up early with time on Sunday mornings, that's a good time to do a new gratitude journaling- downhill work. But don't plan to do a Sunday morning journal if your family is always struggling to get going, kids are not dressed, you rush to get to church, and are distracted all morning- uphill work. Perhaps "downhill" for you then would be Sunday evening when things are quiet and you can set a phone reminder. I hope my experience with the Thai elephants, and the research on the human brain, can equip you for a more effective relationship, and personal practices that reduce anxiety and help you reach the goals for you and your family! This blog was written completely by Dr. Ripley, without AI assistance.

by Nicole Urh, PsyD, Fellow of the Hope Project and Charis Institute We've all been there. The family is together for a summer BBQ, a holiday, or any day and everyone is enjoying dinner, and suddenly, someone at the table asks The Question. Every family has a different Question, but I bet you can think of your family’s. For some, it’s “who did you vote for?” For others, it might be “When are you going to bring a nice man home?” Other Questions come in the form of “So, what major did Emily pick?” “When are you going to make me a grandparent?” or “Have you been putting on weight?” For you, dear reader, it may be none of these questions, but I bet a topic of conversation or a Question popped into your mind as you read through my examples. What is that one topic that makes you feel uncomfortable that always comes up around the holidays? More importantly, what can we do to manage those conversations? The thing I want to talk about today is called an “I” statement. It’s a different way of talking that we don’t normally use, but it can make a world of difference. It can especially change the way that you have difficult or emotionally intense conversations. What is an “I” Statement? An “I” statement is a manner of talking in which you only speak from your own point of view. Some people think of it as the opposite of a “you” statement. The best way to illustrate something like this is to give an example of common “you” statements and ways to transform them into “I” statements. You statement: You always make me feel like dirt. I statement: Right now, I feel like dirt because of the way you’re talking to me. You statement: You never do the dishes. I statement: I would really appreciate some help with the dishes. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one doing the dishes. You statement: You keep asking me about when I’m going to have babies. It’s the worst and you’re being a jerk. I statement: It makes me uncomfortable when you keep bringing up the topic of when I’m going to have babies. Why do “I” Statements Work? An “I” statement is a magic weapon because it helps keep you from adding fuel to the fire of a difficult conversation. If you are having a conversation that always ends in a fight, your conversation partner might be braced for a fight. You may even find that you yourself are braced for a fight. When two people are so prepared to be defensive, it is important to remember this truth: no one likes to be told about themselves. Think about the last time someone accused you of being hurtful, or thoughtless, or cruel or a jerk. I know that when I am in such situations, my automatic response is to think “wait, okay, but you don’t understand where I was coming from. If you just heard my side of things, you would see why I said that. You don’t understand what I am feeling.” This is a very common reaction for others to have. This is why “you” statements add to the fire of a difficult conversation. The conversation was already difficult, and now your conversation partner is trying to explain their side of the story to you. While they are so busy trying to communicate why they did what they did, they might not be able to hear what you are trying to say. Think about the last time you told someone a statement like, “you always do this.” What that sentence is really saying is, “I feel hurt by the fact that you keep bringing this up, and I am worried that you won’t stop.” Your conversation partner might not be able to hear that message though if they are too busy trying to explain why they always do this or remind you of the times where that wasn’t the case. Speaking from your own perspective disarms that trap. It gives your conversation partner space to put down their defenses and hear what you are trying to say. Instead of going on the attack with a “you” statement, an “I” statement requires the speaker to be vulnerable and open about what they are feeling. This allows your partner to avoid the usual pattern of going on the defensive, adding fuel to the fire, and continuing down the usual path of these difficult conversations. What Makes an “I” Statement? An “I” statement speaks only from your own point of view. It never assumes what the other person might be thinking and feeling. Instead, you take a moment of introspection to think about how a difficult conversation is making you feel. If someone is making you feel hurt, try expressing that hurt rather than calling them a name. An additional rule of “I” statements is that you are not allowed to simply add the phrase “I feel” to the front of a “you” statement. This can be very tempting at first. Instead of saying “You always do this,” some people might change it to “I feel like you’re always doing this.” In this situation, you are still telling the other person about themselves. Instead, try changing this statement to something like, “when the family is visiting, sometimes I feel like I’m the one responsible for keeping everyone happy.” Remember not to tell the other person what they are thinking and feeling. By using an “I” statement and speaking only from your own experience and perspective, you do not require your conversation partner to defend themselves. Instead, you are inviting them to see how this difficult conversation is making you feel. Example: Person A: Wow, I haven’t seen you in forever. You must be working hard if you don’t even have time to visit your family. Person B: You don’t know what I do in my daily life. I am working to provide for my family, and you have never understood that. You’re always bringing this up, and I wish you would stop. In this situation, Person B was clearly hurt and offended by what Person A said, and it sounds like the conversation was one that they had had several times before. Person B was hurt, and so they lashed out in defense of themselves. Unfortunately, Person B used several “you” statements in defending themselves. Rather than hearing the hurt that they have caused Person B, Person A is likely to hurt as well. They may be thinking how they want to argue against these accusations or be so hurt that they lash out in response. There is another way to handle this conversation. Person A: Wow, I haven’t seen you in forever. You must be working hard if you don’t even have time to visit your family. Person B: It really makes me feel unwelcome to hear that. I care a lot about providing for my family, and this conversation makes me feel like that work has less value. Now we’re in a completely different conversation! Suddenly, Person A has a lot more insight into why Person B might be defensive. And, because Person B did not try to tell Person A about what they might be thinking and feeling, they can dedicate all their brainpower to hearing what Person B has to say, rather than thinking about ways to defend themselves. A Final Thought Changing the way that you respond to emotional or difficult conversations is a difficult process. And talking with “I” statements can be difficult at first. Please have patience with yourself and keep working on it. The more you work on changing the way that you speak, the more natural and the easier it becomes. Just remember Speak from your own point of view. Do not tell your conversation partner what they might be thinking or feeling. Do not just add “I feel” to the front of a “you” statement. So, the next time a family member tries to open up a full can of worms with you, look at them and say, “Having conversations like this tends to make me angry and frustrated. I want to have a good time with the family today, so I am not going to engage in conversations like this.”