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Dr. Jen explains the 5-minute date on Loveology.org It was a Thursday night. I had a full day of sessions, and dinner was a last-minute mix of leftovers and cereal. The kids were loud. The dog was louder. By the time my husband and I sat down together, it felt like the day had already taken everything good out of us. But instead of discussing the details of bills or the dishwasher, we paused and gave each other five minutes. That five-minute date saved our evening. In couple therapy, we often imagine change coming from breakthroughs or big, emotional conversations. And those do matter. But so often, it’s the small habits—the dailyness of connection—that shape whether couples grow closer or drift apart. What Is a Five-Minute Date? It’s exactly what it sounds like: five intentional minutes of warm, affirming, emotionally present conversation with your partner. It’s a check-in that’s not about solving problems or managing the household. It’s about tuning in—really tuning in—to each other. And it is my favorite intervention to see real changes in couples lives who engage this multiple times a week. You each take turns answering three simple questions: What are highs & lows for you today? How are you feelig about life today? Is there any encouragement or help I can give you today? It’s okay if it’s awkward at first. Or if you’re tired. Or if one of you gets emotional. That’s all part of the process. What matters is the showing up. Why It Works This tiny practice helps create what psychologists call a safe emotional bond . It signals to your partner: I see you. I care about you. I want to stay connected—even when life gets busy. It’s a HOPE intervention at its most basic: short, intentional, and full of potential. My Challenge to You Try it tonight. You don’t need candles or background music (though those can be nice!). Just five minutes. Phones away. Eyes up. If it feels good, try it again tomorrow. And the next day. Like so many things in marriage, connection grows not in grand declarations, but in small, sacred choices repeated over time. You can download a free worksheet here to guide you: [Five-Minute Date Worksheet] Let this be your new morning or evening rhythm. Five minutes. One heartbeat. A reminder that you’re still in this together.

Have you ever seen a few cranes herd an alligator across a street? You gotta see this It’s an odd sight. The cranes—delicate, poised, and unthreatening—slowly guide this ancient predator to safer ground. No panic. No aggression. Just intentional movement and unexpected teamwork. A viral YouTube short captures it perfectly, and the comment section buzzes with awe: “How is this even happening?” It’s counterintuitive. We expect the cranes to scatter, the alligator to lunge, or at the very least for someone to get hurt. But instead, we witness something remarkable: difference, tolerance, and mutual presence leading to a peaceful outcome. This wild moment holds wisdom for us—especially in the heated, confusing moments of relationship conflict. 🧩 Differences Don't Have to Divide In our intimate relationships—whether with a spouse, parent, child, or friend—conflict often sparks when we encounter the “otherness” of our partner. Maybe they’re louder in conflict, or more withdrawn. Maybe you crave closeness when they need space. These differences can feel threatening. But what if, like the cranes, we approached the “alligator moments” in our relationships with curiosity and grace rather than fear? In the Hope-Focused Couples Approach , we teach couples that relational conflict isn’t a failure—it’s an invitation. The invitation is to respond, not react; to notice, not control; to tolerate the parts of the other that are different from us. 🕊️ Tolerance with Grace is a Strength: TASTE Tolerance isn’t passivity. It's the strength to remain present without attacking. It's the courage to give your partner space to be their full self—even when that self is hard to understand. Like the cranes, we don’t need to overpower the situation. We can stand with grace, set gentle direction, and trust that change can come without aggression. In conflict resolution models, we coach partners to TASTE: Turn  toward each other, Ask  curious questions, Share their own experience Train for peace, being a calm presence Evaluate your connection, how's it going? Each step requires a little more tolerance, a little less fear. Just like those cranes, we find that calm presence often does more than control ever could. 🌱 Responding Well Starts With Belief It’s tempting to give up when a partner seems “too much” or “too different.” But hope-focused theory teaches that change starts with belief—faith that reconciliation is possible. That’s the kind of faith that shows up not with a grand gesture, but with quiet, steady grace. So next time conflict rears up in your relationship—when emotions feel like sharp teeth ready to clamp down—pause. Remember the cranes. Remember that peace can come not from matching force with force, but from connecting in our differences with tolerance, grace, and faith in love’s quiet power. Check out the Hope approach resources at www.hopecouples.com

How's your summer holiday plans going? Every couple dreams of that perfect vacation—the one where you escape from daily responsibilities, reconnect deeply, and create memories that you'll cherish for years. However, as many of us know, even the most well-intended vacations can fall short of expectations if not planned thoughtfully. The secret to a memorable and fulfilling couples' vacation lies in balancing thoughtful preparation, prioritizing each partner's interests, and carving out meaningful experiences that nurture your relationship. Couple Travel Guide Picture this: it's the night before departure. Grace has been packing meticulously for weeks—making lists, checking weather forecasts, and laying out outfits to match every possible scenario. Meanwhile, her husband, Jared, throws a few shirts and shorts into his suitcase just hours before leaving. Sound familiar? This packing ritual humorously illustrates the differences in how couples often approach vacation preparations. While Grace finds comfort in preparation, Jared enjoys spontaneity and flexibility. Understanding and appreciating these differences can actually enrich your vacation experience. Planning Together, Growing Together The first essential ingredient for an enjoyable couples' vacation is joint planning. It's tempting to let one person handle all arrangements, especially if they naturally excel at organizing. However, involving both partners from the start ensures the vacation will be satisfying for each person. Set aside a special evening to discuss your vacation dreams, expectations, and must-do activities. Consider this evening your first "vacation date"—a cozy night filled with excitement, possibilities, and perhaps a glass of wine. During your planning session, list the experiences that each of you is most excited about. Perhaps Grace dreams of romantic dinners by the beach and visiting art museums, while Jared looks forward to snorkeling, adventurous hikes, or simply relaxing by the pool with a book. Respecting and incorporating each other's favorite activities strengthens your relationship, ensuring both partners feel heard and valued. Prioritizing Each Partner's Favorite Things Once you've discussed your wishes, intentionally schedule activities that focus specifically on each partner’s interests. Allocate days or specific times during your vacation where one partner's preferences are prioritized. On Grace's day, for instance, plan leisurely visits to galleries, afternoon coffee at charming cafes, or romantic strolls through historic districts. Jared’s day could be packed with energetic adventures like zip-lining, kayaking, or attending a local sporting event. The key here is to wholeheartedly embrace and participate in your partner's chosen activities, even if they’re outside your comfort zone. Doing this sends a powerful message: "What matters to you, matters to me." Interestingly, couples often find that sharing each other's passions opens new avenues for joy and connection. Grace may discover an unexpected thrill in snorkeling, while Jared might be captivated by a particularly moving art exhibit. These shared experiences broaden your individual perspectives and deepen your mutual appreciation. Fun and Spontaneity: Finding Your Balance While planning is essential, leaving room for spontaneity is equally important. Allow for unstructured time where the day's activities aren't strictly scheduled. This flexibility can lead to unexpected adventures, playful exploration, or spontaneous romantic moments. It's often in these unplanned moments—like stumbling upon a hidden gem restaurant or watching an unforgettable sunset—that the most memorable experiences are made. For couples with differing comfort levels around spontaneity, balance is key. Grace’s meticulous nature might crave knowing the day’s itinerary, while Jared’s spontaneous side enjoys leaving decisions open. Compromise by setting aside "open slots" in your daily schedule. Grace gets the security of structure, while Jared has the freedom to suggest spontaneous activities. Connecting Through Meaningful or Spiritual Activities Amid the excitement and relaxation of vacation, making space for meaningful or spiritual connection can profoundly enhance your bond. Regardless of your religious or spiritual traditions, consider incorporating moments of reflection, gratitude, or deeper conversation into your itinerary. This could mean attending a local religious service, practicing meditation together on the beach at sunrise, or simply having a dedicated "gratitude walk," where you take turns expressing appreciation for your lives and each other. Couples who engage in meaningful activities often report feeling renewed and emotionally connected. These intentional moments of spiritual or emotional intimacy can anchor your relationship, reminding you both of the deeper bonds you share beyond the surface-level experiences of your daily routine. Practical Tips for Harmonious Travels Aside from activities and planning, practical considerations ensure your vacation remains stress-free. Consider: Communication:  Regularly check in with each other about your enjoyment and comfort levels throughout the trip. Budget Clarity:  Agree ahead of time on spending to avoid uncomfortable financial surprises. Flexibility and Humor:  Keep a light-hearted attitude when plans inevitably change or minor hiccups occur. Returning to our earlier example, Grace's meticulous planning and Jared's relaxed approach both have their strengths. Grace ensures they're prepared for any situation, while Jared brings a sense of adventure and adaptability. Together, these differing styles can complement each other beautifully, creating a balanced and enriching vacation experience. Returning Home Refreshed and Connected A truly great couples' vacation leaves you feeling relaxed, refreshed, and deeply connected. As you pack your bags to return home (Grace with her neatly folded clothes and souvenirs, Jared with his casually tossed belongings), you'll carry back more than just physical mementos. You'll return with memories of laughter, shared adventures, quiet moments of intimacy, and a strengthened bond built through thoughtful planning, mutual respect, and meaningful connection. By intentionally balancing time for fun, prioritizing each other's favorite things, and integrating meaningful or spiritual moments, your couples' vacation will become not just a break from everyday life, but a celebration of your relationship itself.

Every relationship faces challenges, and offenses—whether minor misunderstandings or significant betrayals—can strain even the strongest bonds. Every couple will offend, and every couple can choose to repair their relationship if they want to. With intentional effort and the right tools, couples can navigate offenses and emerge stronger. The Hope-Focused Couple Counseling approach, developed by Drs. Everett Worthington and Jennifer Ripley, offers a structured path to healing, emphasizing forgiveness, commitment, and growth. Repair the hurt in a relationship Understanding the Impact of Offenses In close relationships, offenses are inevitable. Our differences, vulnerabilities, and daily stresses can lead to moments of hurt. Recognizing the impact of these offenses is the first step toward healing. It's essential to acknowledge the pain and understand its roots without assigning blame. The Hope-Focused Approach to Healing The Hope-Focused Couple Counseling model centers on three pillars: Faith : Belief in each other and the possibility of change Work : Active efforts to improve the relationship. Love : Value and refusing to devalue your partner This approach provides couples with practical tools to address conflicts and rebuild trust. Steps to Repairing the Relationship 1. Apologize Effectively A sincere apology acknowledges the hurt caused and takes responsibility. Effective apologies are frequent, specific, express genuine remorse, and avoid justifications. It's important to just say "I'm sorry for _______ which hurt you. If you want to know why I think I did that, I can share but only if you want to hear that now." This opens the door to forgiveness and healing. 2. Understand Forgiveness Forgiveness is a choice to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. It's not about forgetting the offense but about releasing its hold on your emotions. Forgiveness can be both a personal journey and a shared process in the relationship. Hope approach uses the REACH model of forgiveness to help couples forgive. 3. Rebuild Trust Trust is restored through consistent actions over time, both trusting and being trustworthy. This involves keeping promises, being transparent, and demonstrating reliability. Open communication and patience are key during this phase. 4. Strengthen Communication Effective communication involves active listening, expressing feelings without blame, and seeking to understand your partner's perspective. Regular check-ins and using tools like the TANGO communication method can enhance mutual understanding. The stronger your communication, the more likely you can repair the relationship after offenses have happened. 5. Seek Support Sometimes, professional guidance can provide the necessary tools and perspective to navigate complex issues. Hope-focused counseling offers structured interventions tailored to each couple's unique needs. Embracing the Journey Healing after an offense is a journey that requires commitment, patience, and effort from both partners. By embracing the principles of the Hope-Focused approach, couples can transform challenges into opportunities for deeper connection and resilience. Remember, every relationship has the potential for renewal. With hope as your guide, the path to healing is within reach.

The world is remembering the life and legacy of Pope Francis this week in April 2025. We at the Hope Project consist of counselors and couples from all faith backgrounds. However, we want to pause and remember Pope Francis today, highlighting some of the positive teachings from his life. No matter our beliefs or backgrounds, most of us share a desire for deep, lasting love. In today’s fast-paced world, it can be easy to lose sight of the daily practices that nourish connection, healing, and trust in relationships. Pope Francis was a widely respected global spiritual leader. He offered powerful reflections on marriage that resonate beyond religious boundaries. Though he speaks from a Catholic perspective, his insights speak to the heart of what it means to love well: with intention, kindness, and resilience. Love Is a Daily Practice, Not Just a Feeling In one of his most well-known writings, The Joy of Love , Pope Francis describes marriage as a craft—something shaped by patience, effort, and care over time. He writes, “Love needs time and space; everything else is secondary.” This rings true regardless of your worldview. Relationships thrive not on grand declarations, but on the small, everyday choices to be present, to listen, and to show up—even when it’s hard. Whether through quiet moments together, shared laughter, or difficult conversations, real connection grows when we make space for it. Navigating the Tough Seasons The Pope also speaks candidly about how all relationships experience conflict, fatigue, and even heartache. Instead of pretending love should be perfect, he offers a more hopeful perspective: growth comes through working through the hard parts, not avoiding them. He reminds us, “No family drops down from heaven perfectly formed.” We’re all in progress, and our relationships reflect that. The important thing is choosing to return to empathy, repair, and honest communication again and again. At Hope Couples, we echo this idea. Love doesn’t mean the absence of struggle—it means being willing to heal and grow, together. The Beauty of the Small Things One of the most touching aspects of Pope Francis’ reflections is his appreciation for the “small graces” of love. He points to simple gestures—saying thank you, giving a warm hug, being fully present—as the true glue that holds relationships together. These small actions create emotional safety and connection. They are sacred not because of any religious label, but because they honor our shared humanity and the desire we all have to feel seen, supported, and loved. Conclusion: Love as a Spiritual Journey You don’t have to be religious to be moved by words of wisdom. Pope Francis’ insights offer a spiritual, human-centered vision of love that many can relate to—grounded in grace, humility, and mutual care. At Hope Couples, we believe love is both a gift and a practice. It grows deeper when we bring intention, presence, and compassion into our relationships. Whether your guiding light is faith, mindfulness, or the belief in love itself, the journey toward meaningful connection is one worth taking.

Weekly Improvement Plan for Couple Therapy Do you have a Couple Improvement Plan? Atomic Habits by James Clear is a sensation of a book because it helps us all understand what kind of habits in life will help us reach our goals. We all understand that small habits help us to learn to exercise more, eat healthier, take regular breaks, network better at work, or improve our relationships! Couple relationships are no different- we need small everyday habits. So the Hope Focused Couple Counseling Program harnesses the power of small habits to nudge couples towards healthier and happier relationships in small daily activities. The habits we select are based on the current research literature on what small activities seem to help most relationships. Let us know if it's helpful to you! Four Components to Daily Habits Gratitude. The first step is to daily list things you are grateful for relevant to your relationship. It can be a bullet list or you can journal. You can be grateful for aspects of your partner, things she/he has done, or the opportunity to have love in your life. You can be grateful to God, or to your partner, or to the Universe. Just add a gratitude bullet every day. The research on gratitude is extensive as a way of turning our life around. Gratitude helps people who are depressed, discouraged, feeling lost, or disoriented. Gratitude is one of the most powerful small habits a person can use- and it can be done all on your own! Your partner doesn't even have to agree to it. Bob Emmons, Ph.D., is a leading expert in gratitude with dozens of research studies on the effects of gratitude. He has found that self-guided daily gratitude journaling increases well-being in a variety of measures. It has also been found to be helpful to couples in relationships! Connect. The next step is to connect with your partner in small and big ways each week. The weekly "big date" is important for relationship repair and maintenance. The point of the big date is to just spend time together enjoying each other's company. We often recommend couples find one of those discussion questions like the 36 questions , or something you find on Pinterest, to have a good set of questions to ask each other during your date. The five-minute date is a daily check-in on the details of each other's lives. How is work? What's going on with the kids? What do you hope will happen today? What is making you anxious or afraid today? Care. Next write down a few things you do this week that involve caring for yourself. Self-care is discussed so much today it's almost easy to make fun of it. But it's nothing more than taking stock of your life, and engaging in life-giving activities that match your values and goals in life. What is important to you? Are you spending your life doing the things that match your values? Self-care can include engaging in quiet solitude or worship that refreshes your soul. Or it can be exercise and invigorating activities. Creative activities like making a beautiful dinner or artwork can be self-care. Self-care can be social activities like hanging out with friends on the weekend or playing games with your kids. Self-care can involve giving to others of your time and resources through volunteerism. Prayer or Reflect. The final two boxes in this worksheet focus you on prayer and why you are engaging in couple therapy or enrichment. If you want to write out full prayers you might use the back of the worksheet or a personal prayer journal. If prayer isn't something you are into, then meditation and reflection may fit for your needs. Engaging with the "why" or purposes in our life is a very important aspect of therapy. It gives us energy, purpose, and meaning. If you find yourself feeling lost about meaning and "why" you might try taking the Meaning in Life questionnaire and VIA Survey of Character Strengths at authentichappiness.org through the University of Pennsylvania (free). Connecting with God is a way of finding meaning for most people. Taking time to pray and reflect on the greater purposes of living in your relationship is a good habit to engage in. You might note how much you plead with God (which is OK, I'm sure God loves to hear our requests!), and balancing it with gratitude, and listening prayers. Ignatian practice uses listening prayers, as well as most Protestants practice listening to the Holy Spirit. Meditation and prayer is also common in all the major world religions, and non-religious people reflect and meditate. Prayer or meditation has demonstrated to improve mental and physical well-being. Take Notes? Sure! At the bottom of this worksheet is a place to write anything you want to remember about your couple therapy this week. Couple therapy can move fast- if you don't stop and reflect now and then you might miss something, or forget things you are learning. We recommend you keep these worksheets. They can be a nice reflection in the future when you want to repair or improve your relationship. How did you do it?

Validating and Enjoying Who Each of you Are is a Key to a Healthy Relationship by Dr. Jennifer Ripley I once had the pleasure of presenting with Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr Cameron Lee at a professional training conference. Dr Lee talked about faith, I talked about hope, and Dr Chapman talked about love languages. We had a lovely dinner together the night before and got to know the Chapmans over a meal in the home of the director of the marriage and family program at Wheaton College. It was a good time. The 5 love languages has been a cultural phenomenon with a concept that is known by most people, with popular conversations to discuss "What is Your Love Language?" What is it about this Love Languages concept that is so compelling and so many couples have found helpful in their relationship? It's very simple to understand. Relationships often feel bewildering and complex. An old men's joke asks "who can understand a woman?" and women often roll their eyes and just say "men!" when they feel confused and bewildered by their spouse or mate. What that means is that when things are bewildering, it is worthwhile to stop and remember that you and your partner are not the same. You are a couple, but you are not one mind. Your partner has their own needs, priorities, values, and personal struggles. Your partner's needs can be met by you. You have the unique power and ability to understand your partner's needs, and to meet them as a gift to them. Whether you are giving them time, a thoughtful gift, acts of service, kind words, or a warm hug you have unique power to uplift, surround and empower your partner. What that means is when your partner, or you both, are discouraged you hold within yourself the ability to turn things around. It's important to value those gifts given to you and not to devalue them or take them for granted. Positive gifts can overpower the bewilderment of relationships. It can sometimes feel like a small thing- to listen well to your mate, to pick up their favorite drink at the store, to walk over and give that hug when they are on the verge of tears. Healthy relationships are built on the power of those small positive moments giving a gift that your mate needs at that moment. What that means is that you can be a relationship ninja, doing just the right move at just the right time, if you notice your partner in need, and you think about what He or She would feel loved by at this moment, and then act on it. Maybe, in the big picture, the five languages is really just a way for us all to remember the deep and important principle: That we are not the same That we have the power to help and heal our spouse That small positive acts can be a light in a dark and lonely world

Couple talking & praying together Many Christian individuals may invest in deepening their relationship with God by cultivating a practice of praying for His wisdom and guidance each day. Many scriptures also point believers to prayer and emphasize that prayer is effective and powerful: ● Philippians 4:6 - “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” ● James 5:16 - “...The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” Christians may also intentionally pray about the hope of future relationships and their future partner's well-being before meeting. However, once you meet your life partner…how do you transition from praying for your spouse to praying with your spouse? The Daily Prayer of Examen might help. And it's not just for Catholic or Orthodox believers. Many different branches of Christianity use the Prayer of Examen . The Daily Prayer of Examen was established by St. Ignatius of Loyola, a Spanish theologian who emphasized spiritual techniques for reflection. According to the Ignatian Spirituality website, the Daily Prayer of Examen was designed to be “...a prayerful reflection on the events of the day to detect God’s presence and discern his direction for us.” Historically, this prayerful practice is completed alone, but it may offer several relational and spiritual benefits to Christian couples as they slow down to: 1. Become aware of God’s presence. 2. Pay attention to their emotions. 3. Seek God’s wisdom and guidance moving forward. You are invited to explore this practice together and reflect on the experience. Daily Prayer of Examen for Couples 1. Ask God to be with you and your partner during this 10-minute practice, recognizing He is active and present in this moment and in your relationship and thanking Him for His perfect, enduring love. Take a moment to thank Him for how He has worked in Your relationship today or over the course of your relationship. 2. Ask for God’s grace in your relationship, praying that He will reveal Himself to both of you in today’s hopes and fears. 3. Reflect on your thoughts about the day ahead of you or perhaps the day behind you: a. Fears: Today, what are we afraid of, God? What do we believe we are indanger of? What are you revealing to us in this experience? b. Attachments: Today, what are we clinging to, God? How does this affect our relationship with one another and our relationship with you? What are we afraid of surrendering to You and sharing with You? What are You revealing to us in this experience? c. Control: Today, what are we trying to control in our relationship, God? What are we scared of losing power over in our relationship? What are you revealing to us in this experience? d. Entitlements: What do we believe we are entitled to, God? What are we demanding from You? What are you revealing to us in this experience? 4. As a couple, place these four areas—“fears,” “attachments,” “control,” and “entitlements”—in God’s loving hands, asking him to take control of them. Ask Him to do with them what He wishes in this very moment, helping You to accept and trust in His perfect plan for your relationship. 5. Perhaps you would each like to end with a silent prayer to God or pray aloud together as you finish reflecting in His presence. How to Use This in Restoration as a Couple in Therapy ● This is best used by those who have exposure to the Examen already. If not, it's good to learn more about it first before using as a Couple. Make sure it's something that fits your faith, and your church teaching. ● Discuss scriptures that mention prayer and inquire whether the couple integrates their faith by praying together or if they would be comfortable doing this. ● Read through the five prompts of the Daily Prayer of Examen for Couples. ● Once completing the practice, ask what the experience was like. Reflect on the thoughts and feelings that came to mind as you reflected on your day before God. ● You may enjoy starting the day with this prayer or closing the day with the prayer. ● You can practice this prayer 1 to 3 times between sessions, sharing about the experience with your therapist. Schedule at least one time on the calendar. Discuss any obstacles that might hinder your shared practice. ● You can read through the prompts aloud together as you reflect, taking turns, or can each choose to read silently. Perhaps it would be helpful to set a timer to signal when they would like to end the reflection and share insights with one another. References: Adapted from a 2024 Prayer of Examen created by Dr. Fernando Garzon which included the following references: Adapted from Knabb, J., Vazquez, V., Pate, R., Garzon, F., Wang, K. (2020). Christian meditation for trauma-based rumination: A four week program, p. 31-34. Unpublished research protocol. This five-step “Daily Examen” is adapted from https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen ; Thibodeaux (2015); Colombiere (1982); Aschenbrenner (2007). Adapted from: https://katzieandben.com/daily-examen-for-couples/  and https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen/

Written by Sarah Haught, M.A., Hope Focused Certified Therapist and Member of the Society for Christian Accommodated Treatments and Programs at Regent University There is considerable research that has developed to show that positive prayer for your partner has effects both relationally and spiritually. For those that use Lectio Divina in their prayer walk, this post gives ideas on how to focus your prayer on your relationship. Couple praying Lectio Divina for Couples You may have wondered - Lectio Divina? What does that mean? And how does it apply to my marriage relationship? These are all good questions we will explore further in the next few moments. Lectio Divina literally translates to “divine reading” and refers to a Christian practice of contemplation and reflection that began in monastic communities. This practice considers how prayerfully and slowly reading scripture offers a unique opportunity to experience God’s presence and seek guidance from the Holy Spirit as you intentionally dwell in scripture. While individuals may engage in this practice in their own quiet devotional time, utilizing it may be a beneficial habit for Christian couples to implement as they seek to draw near to God and honor Him with their marriage. In this way, Lectio Divina allows partners to strengthen communion with God and knowledge of His word individually and seek His presence together through shared reflection practice. Selecting a Passage As you think about passages you might like to reflect on together, some might immediately come to mind. Perhaps a certain verse has stood out to you recently, or maybe you have a special scripture that has provided comfort and encouragement throughout your message. If you cannot think of a particular passage, that’s alright! We have a few ideas listed below: Genesis 1:27-28 - “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” Romans 12:1-2 - “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” James 1: 22-25 - “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.” Ephesians 4: 32 - “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” I Corinthians 13: 4-7 - “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Matthew 6:33-34 - “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Beginning Your Lectio Divina: 1. Prepare (Silencio): Once you have selected a scripture, quiet your heart, placing yourself in God’s presence. Offer this time to God. 2. Read Slowly (Lectio): Slowly read the passage out loud. Perhaps you would like to alternate, taking turns with your partner. Allow the words to settle and resonate in your heart. After a pause, re-read the passage out loud. Repeat this reading silently or aloud as often as you and your partner feel led, listening for the word or phrase that catches your attention and your heart. This phrase may be the same for you and your partner, or it may be different. You may take a moment to share with one another about what stands out to you. When you have a sense of that word or phrase, you may return your attention and continue reflecting together, seeking God’s presence. 3. Reflect (Meditatio): Take time to sit together with the word or phrase that caught your attention. Re-read the passage if it feels right, stopping at that word or phrase again to slowly drink it in. Perhaps repeating the word or phrase quietly or silently feels right. Perhaps entering the passage’s biblical scene in your imagination seems appropriate. Ask God to lead you as you explore this phrase at a heart level. 4. Pray (Oratio): Talk to the Lord about the phrase He has highlighted and what’s coming up. You and your partner may alternate praying aloud together. Journaling might be useful to you as well. How is God addressing you in this Word and inviting you to respond? Allow the Word to guide you into a prayerful response. 5. Rest (Contemplatio): Rest in God’s presence together. Receive God’s word deeply and rest in His presence and rich love. Allow yourselves time to wait and be still before you re-enter life as usual. Stay with the Lord until you feel prompted

You can create a relationship where forgiveness is frequent and common. Video of Dr. Everett Worthington, Ph.D. , Professor Emeritus, Virginia Commonwealth University. Creator of the Hope Focused approach to couple counseling explains forgiveness through a Templeton Foundation video project. How can you forgive in your marriage or relationship? Do you have barriers to forgiveness? 1. Many times people misunderstand what forgiveness is about. We define forgiveness as Focusing on the other person, forgiveness is replacing unforgiving negative emotions with more positive forgiving emotions. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting it ever happened minimizing the hurt that occurred apologizing reconciliation, or restoring the relationship to a previous place looking for a quick fix 2. Another barrier to forgiveness can be the severity of the offense. Some offenses in a relationship are 10 cent offenses like forgetting to take out the trash, or not asking how your day went. Other offenses are $10,000 offenses like causing bankruptcy, or being unfaithful. Recognizing the severity of the offense can help you decide how much time and help you might need to reach forgiveness. Frequency of offense can also be important. Frequent 10 cent offenses, such that a partner rarely asks how your day was, can add up to a feeling of larger offense. 3. A third barrier to forgiveness can be time . Research indicates that forgiveness is more probable as time passes. So while an offense that occurred an hour ago may be quite difficult to forgive, an offense that occurred weeks or months ago would usually be easier. The issue of timing comes with a "catch" however. Living with unforgiveness is difficult on the relationship and each person. Unforgiveness is related to health problems, psychological problems, and relationship problems. So while forgiveness takes time, there is a price to living too long with unforgiveness. Five Steps to REACH Forgiveness from Everett Worthington R: Recall the hurt It is important to recall the hurt clearly and define it. Each partner on their own may need to stop and explore what happened, what was hurtful, and how much it hurt. This step is easier if the hurt was a specific time and place. If you have a long pattern of ongoing hurts, then you can work towards forgiveness but it will be more difficult. E: Empathize with your Partner Empathy is being able to understand from your partner's point of view. Put yourself in your partner's chair and explain the offense from your partner's point of view. Tell the imaginary you sitting across the room what is needed to help understand the offense. The goal is to increase your compassion and love for your partner by taking their perspective. A: Altruistic Gift Remember when you have wronged someone and needed to be given the gift of forgiveness. What a relief it was. Offer that gift to your partner, motivated by your care and common humanity. We all fall short sometimes and the gift of forgiveness is an important one to give. C: Commit to your Forgiveness While you may not have fully worked through all the emotions relevant to the hurt, you can decide to forgive and make a commitment to work towards full emotional forgiveness. Decisional forgiveness is a commitment not to seek revenge, and not try and "even the scales" of justice. In a loving relationship, the offender should also work towards restitution and repair. But even if she or he is not ready, you can make a commitment not to seek revenge. You might say, or write a note, that says 'Today, I choose to forgive for..." H: Hold onto Forgiveness After your commitment to forgive, there is often still work to do to stay in the forgiveness zone. Life comes with future hurts, vulnerabilities and misunderstandings. Re-reading your forgiveness note can help. Remember your personal character of being a forgiving person can help. Note: If you are in a relationship with severe, ongoing, unrepentant offenses then forgiveness may not be the focus of your relationship repair. Seek professional help for this situation as it can be difficult to discern when forgiveness may be a way of avoiding ongoing problems and trying to cover them over. Forgiveness doesn't require partners to be perfect, but severe ongoing offenses need change first, like violence, infidelity, or taking advantage of a partner. Those offenses are not good for the relationship, or either partner, to engage in. All relationships need repair and forgiveness and we hope and pray that is part of your future.

by Jen Ripley Ph.D. with intervention materials from Jared Tan, M.A. Christmas Fighting Traditions Christmas used to be so stressful for my husband and I. We could count on a good fight at least once before and after Christmas. We would visit family... enough said about THAT causing tensions. We had different ideas of how many Christmas parties we wanted to attend, and as the extrovert, I always wanted to do more than his introvert self could tolerate. In our early days, it was hard to decide how much time is good to spend with grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Then there's how much to spend on gifts. Yeah... fights . Christmas Dating And then we discovered Christmas dating! Now my husband and I already regularly date once a week. We might not go out to dinner and a movie, but we take a walk, cuddle on the couch, and generally try and put down our phones and look at each other on Friday nights. We both love it and credit this habit as what has kept two rather-stubborn people happily married for over 30 years. Christmas dating is a new thing- because those Friday nights get booked up with office parties, and friend-parties, and travel. We would often go over a month without dating. So we started just telling our family that we were going out, just the two of us for a few hours. We might wander around Target, or go drive around with Christmas lights, or sit in a quiet Christmas service together, or go parking like we did in high school... smile. It gave us a chance to talk through tensions and have more clear conversations we couldn't have in front of everyone else. A Christmas Movie Date A star doctoral student, Jared Tan, created a fabulous intervention, perfect for a Christmas date night but applicable any time of year. Perhaps you have been in couple therapy but you have a break due to the holiday, and you don't want to lose momentum. Yet you also don't want to instigate your negative cycle (why does every couple therapist talk about the negative cycle? Such a universal experience of couple-life) and make things worse. So Jared created the Movie Discussion Date. How the Movie Discussion Date Works A. Pick a movie. I know- this can be tense but if you think it might be tense- then let your partner pick the movie  (it is Christmas after all), or use paper-rock-scissors to decide. We recommend the following 4 movies, one of which is a Christmas movie. These movies are great with themes of relationship repair. You can stream, rent or buy these movies with major movie streaming vendors. Four Christmases (2008) with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn navigate how to understand and forgive each other. 1 hour 28 minutes. Obsessed (2009) with Idris Elba, Beyonce Knowles, & Ali Larter. A seductive office temp creates chaos in a couple's relationship. 1 hour 48 minutes. Fools Rush In (1997) with Matthew Perry and Selma Hayek. A couple finds themselves expecting a baby after a one-night stand and then they create a relationship, with some need for understanding and forgiveness. Yours Mine and Ours (2005) with Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo. A couple creates a blended family with struggles and offenses with their kids and each other. You might have another movie you think of with a theme of a couple courageously creating a healthy relationship despite obstacles and offenses. B. Discuss the Movie After watching the movie, grab some coffee or cocoa and a cozy spot to talk about the movie together. The main goal is to consider how the movie might illuminate good things or future goals for your own marriage. Here are suggested discussion questions: 1. What was the main relationship portrayed in the movie? This is the relationship that you will focus on in the following questions.   2. What main problem(s) did this couple face? Are any of these similar to the problems that the two of you have faced or might face as a couple?   3. Did this couple strive to understand each other? Did they tend to accept one another, even if they were very different? Or did the couple tend to attack each other’s differences?   In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?   4. Did the couple have a strong friendship with each other? Were they able to support each other through bad moods, stressful days, and hard times? Did they listen to each other like good friends? Did the couple in the movie do considerate or affectionate things for each other?   In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?   5. How did the couple handle arguments or differences of opinion? Were they able to open up and tell each other how they really felt, or did they tend to just snap at each other with anger? Did they try using humor to keep things from getting nasty? Did it feel like they were really trying to understand each other?   In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area? 6. If the couple got into arguments, did they tend to become heated? Did the couple ever start attacking each other, getting increasingly mean and hostile? Did they end up saying things they didn't really mean? Once this started happening, how did the arguments tend to end?   In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?   7. When one of the partners brought up a problem, did they seem to do it in a constructive way (keeping things specific, explaining their feelings without attacking), or did it seem more like an attack? Did it seem like bringing up a problem became an assassination of the partner's character? 8. How did the couple in the movie handle hurt feelings? Did they apologize to each other? Did the apologies seem sincere? As they received the apology, did they consider how they have in the past both hurt each other and received forgiveness from each other? How do you normally apologize and seek forgiveness? 9. What other things happened in the movie that might lead you to think differently about your relationship/marriage?

Written by Sarah Haught, M.A., Hope Focused Certified Therapist Many couples have experienced moments when they felt their partner didn't understand them or wished for more emotional support. Similarly, couples can recall times when they couldn't comprehend why their partner was upset. Perhaps you've also been in situations where you felt overwhelmed by your partner's distress and wanted to provide support or find a solution. Alternatively, you may have felt powerless and uncertain about how to help your partner, leading you to avoid or withdraw from such situations. We would like to suggest that a scene from a well-known fan-favorite movie, Forrest Gump , can offer a better solution for how you can react to your partner when they are experiencing stress or expressing painful emotions. In this portion of the movie, Forrest walks with his childhood best friend, Jenny. As they walk, her cheerful expression and lighthearted demeanor immediately fade away when they come across her childhood home. In earlier scenes, the audience learns that Jenny had an alcoholic and abusive father who mistreated her and her sisters as children, which eventually resulted in her moving in with a different relative. The duo’s conversation quiets. Jenny walks toward the house and starts throwing rocks at it in tears and frustration until she falls down to the muddy ground, soiling her white skirt. Forrest watches Jenny in her desperation. Rather than running away from Jenny or bombarding her with questions in an attempt to figure out how to make her feel better, Forrest gently sits down in the dirt beside Jenny. The audience hears his simple reflection voiced over the scene: “Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough rocks.” What a powerful scene. It offers important insights for couples who might struggle to extend empathy and remain present in times when their partner is in distress. The heart of empathy is not forcing change or avoiding situations in fear - just as Forrest exemplified, it can be extended through simply being with your partner as a stable, gentle presence. Couple Reflection Questions When have been times when you have shown your partner empathy? What are examples of times that you wish you would have received an empathetic response? What are the obstacles to expressing empathy? What has it meant to you when someone has extended empathy? What would you perceive as an empathetic response? (What would your partner’s tone be? Would you prefer silence or conversation? Solutions or a listening ear? Or would you simply prefer a gentle presence?)